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<jokes>
  <joke text="Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, &amp;quot;Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, &amp;quot;Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, &amp;quot;Jesus is watching you&amp;quot;. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said &amp;quot;Jesus is watching you&amp;quot;. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, &amp;quot;yes.&amp;quot; He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, &amp;quot;Moses.&amp;quot; The burglar asked, &amp;quot;what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?&amp;quot; The parrot said, &amp;quot;the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."/>
  <joke text="Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... &amp;quot;Damn&amp;quot;! A bad Skydiver goes: &amp;quot;Damn&amp;quot;! ... WHACK."/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. &amp;quot;Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!&amp;quot; She told him, &amp;quot;I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you.&amp;quot; So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. &amp;quot;Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, &amp;quot;Can I help you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man said, &amp;quot;Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. &amp;quot;How're you doing?&amp;quot; asks the doctor. &amp;quot;Pretty good,&amp;quot; answers the old man. &amp;quot;I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. &amp;quot;How're you feeling?&amp;quot; he asks. &amp;quot;I'm doing well,&amp;quot; answers the old woman. &amp;quot;I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain.&amp;quot; The doctor says, &amp;quot;That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Oh No,&amp;quot; says the woman, &amp;quot;He's peeing in the refrigerator again.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. &amp;quot;You know,&amp;quot; he said, &amp;quot;I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. &amp;quot;I'll bet you $10 he'll jump,&amp;quot; said the first guy.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Bet you $10 he won't,&amp;quot; replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I can't take your money,&amp;quot; said the first guy. &amp;quot;I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, no. Take it,&amp;quot; said the second guy. &amp;quot;I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Mother to daughter: &amp;quot;What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: &amp;quot;You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy says OK, and drives away.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: &amp;quot;I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy replies: &amp;quot;I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He said &amp;quot;Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Adam said &amp;quot;Great! How much will she cost me?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The answer came back, &amp;quot;An arm and a leg.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; said Adam &amp;quot;what can I get for a rib?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When asked to define &amp;quot;great&amp;quot; he said, &amp;quot;I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages."/>
  <joke text="Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Sheila said, &amp;quot;When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, &amp;quot;What did you say?!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;A prostitute!&amp;quot; Sheila exclaimed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said &amp;quot;Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If you'll just learn to cook,&amp;quot; he said, &amp;quot;we can fire the chef.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Okay,&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, &amp;quot;You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, &amp;quot;Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, &amp;quot;Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, &amp;quot;I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Sure!&amp;quot; she says, &amp;quot;He's at home taking care of the kids ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.&lt;br&gt;2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.&lt;br&gt;3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do."/>
  <joke text="A man bursts into his house and yells, &amp;quot;Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She says, &amp;quot;Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He replies, &amp;quot;I don't care ... Just get the hell out!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!"/>
  <joke text="Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, &amp;quot; I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, &amp;quot; I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked &amp;quot;What is your problem Bill Gates?&amp;quot; Bill Gates responded &amp;quot; I think you are sitting in my chair&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1% said, &amp;quot;No&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2% said, &amp;quot;Yes&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;97% said, &amp;quot;Never Again&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,&amp;quot; the divorce court judge said, &amp;quot;and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's very nice, your honour,&amp;quot; the husband said. &amp;quot;And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says &amp;quot;Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;This time the husband crosses his fingers and says &amp;quot;Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!"/>
  <joke text="The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. &amp;quot;I assume,&amp;quot; she snarled, &amp;quot;that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;There is.&amp;quot; he replied, &amp;quot;Breakfast.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, &amp;quot;Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The twenty answered, &amp;quot;I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The one dollar bill said, &amp;quot;You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, &amp;quot;Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; replies the other, &amp;quot;I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Good choice,&amp;quot; says the first, &amp;quot;her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds &amp;quot;Wife Wanted&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: &amp;quot;You can have mine.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said &amp;quot;These look like deer tracks.&amp;quot; and the other one said: &amp;quot;No they look like moose tracks.&amp;quot; They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them."/>
  <joke text="If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?"/>
  <joke text="Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, &amp;quot;Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.&amp;quot; Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, &amp;quot;Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blind man calmly replied, &amp;quot;I'm just lookin' around.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met."/>
  <joke text="What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Nothing, they haven't met!"/>
  <joke text="A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, &amp;quot;Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?&amp;quot; Churchill sleepily replied, &amp;quot;No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: &amp;quot;That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.&amp;quot; In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The bus driver insulted me,&amp;quot; she fumed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man sympathized and said &amp;quot;Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You're right,&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's a good idea,&amp;quot; the man said. &amp;quot;Here, let me hold your monkey.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, &amp;quot;I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. &amp;quot;What is it?&amp;quot; exclaims the President.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Just go ahead and pay it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When Hillary is out of town."/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Daddy,&amp;quot; a little girl asked her father, &amp;quot;do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? &amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, sweetheart,&amp;quot; he answered. &amp;quot;Some begin with 'If I am elected.'&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, &amp;quot;You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The frog is thrilled and says, &amp;quot;This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No&amp;quot; says the psychic, &amp;quot;in a Biology class.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did."/>
  <joke text="First guy proudly: &amp;quot;My wife's an angel!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Second guy: &amp;quot;You're lucky, mine's still alive.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's unfair!&amp;quot; he cried. &amp;quot;I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Shut up&amp;quot;, barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Who are you to question that woman's punishment?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Cessna: &amp;quot;Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Tower: &amp;quot;Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Cessna: &amp;quot;Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, &amp;quot;aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other replied, &amp;quot;Yes I am, I married the wrong man.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I don't want to know!&amp;quot; Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh Pop,&amp;quot; Johnny sobbed, &amp;quot;for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Pregnant."/>
  <joke text="A rabbit came to a shop and asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot; The seller answered, &amp;quot;Noub!&amp;quot; The next day the rabbit came again and asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot; The seller retorted, &amp;quot;No!&amp;quot; Next day the rabbit came and asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot; The seller shouted, &amp;quot;NO! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!!!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Early the next morning rabbit came back and asked, &amp;quot; Got any nails?&amp;quot; The seller answered, &amp;quot;Noub!&amp;quot; The rabbit asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The gang was very happy to escape. &amp;quot;It ain't so bad,&amp;quot; one crook noted. &amp;quot;We got $25 between us.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boss screamed: &amp;quot;I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. &amp;quot;Mother Mole!&amp;quot; He called back down the hole. &amp;quot;Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!&amp;quot; The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. &amp;quot;That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!&amp;quot; The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. &amp;quot;I can't smell anything down here but molasses ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, &amp;quot;So, you've got your own company, huh? How lucky!&amp;quot; The other replied, &amp;quot;Just a small one, nothing to be proud of.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Disbelieving, the first queried, &amp;quot;Small? How many people work in your company?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other sadly answered, &amp;quot;About half of them.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. &amp;quot;What the hell do you think you're doing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: &amp;quot;If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Some traffic signs say stop."/>
  <joke text="So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first cow said,&amp;quot;I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other cow replies, &amp;quot;Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Lawyer: &amp;quot;Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Judge: &amp;quot;And what is the nature of the new evidence?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Lawyer: &amp;quot;Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What does a man consider a seven course meal?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A hot dog and a six pack of beer."/>
  <joke text="How can you tell if your husband is dead?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The sex is the same but you get to use the remote."/>
  <joke text="Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The chicken sounds good, I'll have that,&amp;quot; Hillary says.&lt;br&gt;The waiter nods: &amp;quot;And the vegetable?&amp;quot; he asks.&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, HE'll have the fish.&amp;quot; Hillary replies."/>
  <joke text="What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You keep hearing about them, but never see any."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There are skid marks in front of the skunk."/>
  <joke text="Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You're running around with other women,&amp;quot; she charged.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You're being unreasonable,&amp;quot; Adam responded. &amp;quot;You're the only woman on earth.&amp;quot; The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What do you think you're doing?&amp;quot; Adam demanded.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Counting your ribs!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Sam: &amp;quot;Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Teacher: &amp;quot;No, of course not.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sam: &amp;quot;Good, because I didn't do my homework.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between a battery and a woman?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A battery has a positive side."/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Daddy,&amp;quot; a little boy asked his father. &amp;quot;How much does it cost to get married?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.&lt;br&gt;2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood."/>
  <joke text="A guy walks into a bar and demands to know &amp;quot;Who's the strongest in here?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The toughest guy looks at him and says &amp;quot;I am the strongest around here!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other guy politely asks &amp;quot;Can you help me push my car to the gas station?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The dog shuts up when you let it in."/>
  <joke text="A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's which was £100,000.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?&amp;quot; exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;not exactly&amp;quot; replied the surgeon, &amp;quot;the politician's has never been used.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Programming is like sex:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."/>
  <joke text="Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'll have a glass of blood,&amp;quot; said one.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'll have a glass of plasma,&amp;quot; said the other.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Okay,&amp;quot; replied the bartender, &amp;quot;That'll be one blood and one blood lite.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. &amp;quot;But why?&amp;quot; asked his puzzled friend, &amp;quot;You're labour through and through… Why change now?&amp;quot; The man leaned forward and explained, &amp;quot;Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures."/>
  <joke text="What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His ass."/>
  <joke text="A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, &amp;quot;What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy answers, &amp;quot;My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Forget it, man,&amp;quot; said his partner, &amp;quot;you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, &amp;quot;Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His answer to the question: &amp;quot;What chair?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Arrive naked ... with beer."/>
  <joke text="After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Get up dear,&amp;quot; she said, &amp;quot;it's 20 to seven.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He awoke with a start and said, &amp;quot;In who's favor?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, &amp;quot;Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, &amp;quot;Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.&lt;br&gt;If it stinks, it's chemistry.&lt;br&gt;If it doesn't work, it's physics."/>
  <joke text="Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on."/>
  <joke text="The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The farmer asked the manager: &amp;quot;How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The manager answered: &amp;quot;Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."/>
  <joke text="Tech Support: &amp;quot;Do you have any windows open right now?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Customer: &amp;quot;Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She wants to be the first lady."/>
  <joke text="I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, &amp;quot;Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replied, &amp;quot;How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.&amp;quot; The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mr. Smith stood up and said, &amp;quot;Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, &amp;quot;I think I need a breath of fresh air.&amp;quot; The man continued, &amp;quot;I work for 7-UP.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Data transfer."/>
  <joke text="A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: &amp;quot;Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm positive.&amp;quot; replied the atom."/>
  <joke text="A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives &amp;quot;I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, &amp;quot;You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.&amp;quot; The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, &amp;quot;You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you."/>
  <joke text="Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience."/>
  <joke text="What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;An airbag."/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;A philosopher,&amp;quot; said the theologian, &amp;quot;is like a blind man in a darkened room looking for a black cat that isn't there.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's right,&amp;quot; the philosopher replied, &amp;quot;and if he were a theologian, he'd find it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Customer: &amp;quot;How much do Windows cost?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Tech Support: &amp;quot;Windows costs about $100.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Customer: &amp;quot;Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They won't stop to ask directions."/>
  <joke text="There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why don't you order a Guinness?&amp;quot; his colleagues ask.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.&lt;br&gt;Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.&lt;br&gt;Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.&lt;br&gt;Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."/>
  <joke text="A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What's the matter, old man?&amp;quot; says the young man. &amp;quot;Never done anything crazy in your life?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old man replies: &amp;quot;Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I tought you might be my son.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!"/>
  <joke text="Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, I goes up to him and said: &amp;quot;Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...&lt;br&gt;But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ..."/>
  <joke text="A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Excuse me, Ma'am,&amp;quot; the soldier finally spoke, &amp;quot;Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, &amp;quot;oh! You Americans. You are so rude.&lt;br&gt;Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You Americans&amp;quot;, he said, &amp;quot;You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, &amp;quot;I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, &amp;quot;Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. &amp;quot;You don't suppose she took it, do you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Ben said, &amp;quot;Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So he sat down and wrote: &amp;quot;Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for &amp;quot;snow,&amp;quot; does this mean the French have a thousand different words for &amp;quot;surrender?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat and old that when God said &amp;quot;Let there be Light&amp;quot;, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way."/>
  <joke text="Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music."/>
  <joke text="Absolute zero is cool."/>
  <joke text="A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: &amp;quot;For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor says: &amp;quot;It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The manager says: &amp;quot;You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work."/>
  <joke text="What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Artificial intelligence."/>
  <joke text="An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a &amp;quot;Whoop&amp;quot; so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final &amp;quot;Yahoo&amp;quot; and rode off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?&amp;quot; asked the service station attendant.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Nothing,&amp;quot; shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Lady,&amp;quot; the attendant said, &amp;quot;that guy was riding bareback ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, &amp;quot;I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says &amp;quot;Blame your predecessor!&amp;quot; He does this and gets off the hook.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, &amp;quot;Reorganize!&amp;quot; This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says &amp;quot;Prepare three envelopes&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A flat major."/>
  <joke text="Son: &amp;quot;Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Father: &amp;quot;Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Son: &amp;quot;I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next morning he reported to his father.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Son: &amp;quot;Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Father: &amp;quot;Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Son: &amp;quot;Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows."/>
  <joke text="Math problems?  Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]."/>
  <joke text="How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back."/>
  <joke text="A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, &amp;quot;you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man quickly responds, &amp;quot;the lawyer's&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor says, &amp;quot;Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man says, &amp;quot;I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, &amp;quot;Tell me about the day you died.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man said, &amp;quot;Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. &amp;quot;Well, sir, it was awful,&amp;quot; said the second man. &amp;quot;I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Tell me about the day you died?&amp;quot;, he said to the third man in line.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do crazy people go through the forest?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They take the psycho path."/>
  <joke text="A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, &amp;quot;The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between God and a social worker?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God doesn't pretend to be a social worker."/>
  <joke text="At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: &amp;quot;The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment.&amp;quot; An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Now who's ready to show their commitment?&amp;quot; said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said &amp;quot;I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners."/>
  <joke text="How do you confuse a blonde?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;How does a blonde confuse you?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She comes out and says she did it."/>
  <joke text="Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head."/>
  <joke text="Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, &amp;quot;What is this?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first lawyer replies, &amp;quot;It's the $100 I owe you.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the smallest part of a FIAT?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The owners brain."/>
  <joke text="There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She realizes her husband is using a cucumber!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies &amp;quot;Yes.&amp;quot; She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a &amp;quot;stupid cheating bastard.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He looks at her and says, &amp;quot;I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing &amp;quot;We are family ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity."/>
  <joke text="How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin."/>
  <joke text="Officer: &amp;quot;Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Soldier: &amp;quot;Sure, buddy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Officer: &amp;quot;That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Officer: &amp;quot;Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Soldier: &amp;quot;No, SIR!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, &amp;quot;What size?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replies, &amp;quot;Size? I didn't know they came in sizes.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, they do,&amp;quot; she says, &amp;quot;What size do you want?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, gee, I don't know,&amp;quot; the man answers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, &amp;quot;What will it be? Small, medium, or large?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replies, &amp;quot;To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Genie said, &amp;quot;Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman didn't hesitate. She said, &amp;quot;I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, &amp;quot;Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman thought for a minute and said, &amp;quot;Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Genie let out a long sigh and said, &amp;quot;Let me see that fucking map!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?"/>
  <joke text="Do you know what the death rate around here is?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One per person."/>
  <joke text="In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, &amp;quot;If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, &amp;quot;If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, &amp;quot;If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. &amp;quot;See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, &amp;quot;I bet you're single, aren't you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well yes, I am,&amp;quot; the woman replied. &amp;quot;How did you know?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Because you're really ugly,&amp;quot; replied the man."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control."/>
  <joke text="A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, &amp;quot;LOW BRIDGE AHEAD&amp;quot;. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, &amp;quot;Got your truck stuck, huh?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The truck driver says, &amp;quot;No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Tell me a bedtime story.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Fuck you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's my favourite.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, &amp;quot;Can you tell me how much you charge?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Of course&amp;quot;, the lawyer replied, &amp;quot;I charge $500 to answer three questions.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes it is&amp;quot;, answered the lawyer, &amp;quot;What's your third question?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, &amp;quot;I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. &amp;quot;Is your bet still good?&amp;quot; asks the Irishman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, &amp;quot;If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Irishman replies, &amp;quot;Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, &amp;quot;And how much money do you make a week?&amp;quot; Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, &amp;quot;I make $300.00 a week. Why?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, &amp;quot;Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks &amp;quot;Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, &amp;quot;Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. &amp;quot;This,&amp;quot; he explained, &amp;quot;is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. &amp;quot;If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. &amp;quot;Your money or your life!&amp;quot; says the mugger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm sorry,&amp;quot; the social worker answers, &amp;quot;I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: &amp;quot;Hey, where am I?&amp;quot;. The solitary office worker replies: &amp;quot;You're in an airplane.&amp;quot;. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. &amp;quot;Elementary,&amp;quot; replies the pilot, &amp;quot;I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="To err is human; effective mayhem requires the root password!"/>
  <joke text="Unix *is* user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are."/>
  <joke text="George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?&amp;quot; the lawyer asked.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's the bad news?&amp;quot; George was stunned? &amp;quot;If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Rules of the lab&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.&lt;br&gt;2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.&lt;br&gt;3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.&lt;br&gt;4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.&lt;br&gt;5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.&lt;br&gt;6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.&lt;br&gt;7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.&lt;br&gt;8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.&lt;br&gt;9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.&lt;br&gt;10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.&lt;br&gt;11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.&lt;br&gt;12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.&lt;br&gt;13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.&lt;br&gt;14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it."/>
  <joke text="Why won't sharks attack lawyers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Professional courtesy."/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot."/>
  <joke text="Old software engineers never die, they just reboot."/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny: &amp;quot;Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mum: &amp;quot;No it doesn't my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny: &amp;quot;Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The loan officer said, &amp;quot;We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The business man replied: &amp;quot;Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said &amp;quot;Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, &amp;quot;Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, &amp;quot;Falling Brick&amp;quot;. The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, &amp;quot;A $100 bonus for you laddy&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff &amp;quot;FUCK HE'S DEAD&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="In Heaven:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cooks are French,&lt;br&gt;The policemen are English,&lt;br&gt;The mechanics are German,&lt;br&gt;The lovers are Italian,&lt;br&gt;The bankers are Swiss.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In Hell:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cooks are English,&lt;br&gt;The policemen are German,&lt;br&gt;The mechanics are French,&lt;br&gt;The lovers are Swiss,&lt;br&gt;The bankers are Italian."/>
  <joke text="In Computer Heaven:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The management is from Intel,&lt;br&gt;The design and construction is done by Apple,&lt;br&gt;The marketing is done by Microsoft,&lt;br&gt;IBM provides the support,&lt;br&gt;Gateway determines the pricing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In Computer Hell:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The management is from Apple,&lt;br&gt;Microsoft does design and construction,&lt;br&gt;IBM handles the marketing,&lt;br&gt;The support is from Gateway,&lt;br&gt;Intel sets the price."/>
  <joke text="How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) &amp;quot;Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2) &amp;quot;Define 'light bulb' ...&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;3) &amp;quot;How can you be sure it needs changing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists."/>
  <joke text="Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, &amp;quot;What is a penis?&amp;quot; The boy replied, &amp;quot;I don't know.&amp;quot; At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, &amp;quot;What is a penis?&amp;quot; The dad whips his out and says to the boy, &amp;quot;This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, &amp;quot;This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up&amp;quot; said the sarcastic teacher.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?&amp;quot; enquired the teacher with a sneer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, actually I don't,&amp;quot; said the student, &amp;quot;but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You only have to put information into a computer once."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a man and E.T.?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;E.T. phoned home."/>
  <joke text="A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Doctor asked, &amp;quot;Do you enjoy it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She said that she did.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He asked, &amp;quot;Does it hurt you?&amp;quot; She said no.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Doctor then told her, &amp;quot;Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.&amp;quot; The woman was mystified.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She asked, &amp;quot;You can get pregnant from anal sex?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Doctor replied, &amp;quot;Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why are hurricanes normally named after women?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them."/>
  <joke text="Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number."/>
  <joke text="A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said &amp;quot;I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The husband replied&amp;quot; Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."/>
  <joke text="The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;It's a period&amp;quot; reported Johnnie.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well I can see that&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;but what is so exciting about a period.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Damned if I know&amp;quot; said Johnnie, &amp;quot;but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,&amp;quot; he insisted. &amp;quot;And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,&amp;quot; he said. &amp;quot;Any comments?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His new bride replied, &amp;quot;No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. The invisible hand does it."/>
  <joke text="Meeting rules for managers:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.&lt;br&gt;2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.&lt;br&gt;3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.&lt;br&gt;4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.&lt;br&gt;5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for."/>
  <joke text="A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man said, &amp;quot;I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So the woman replies, &amp;quot;If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, &amp;quot;Mrs. Jones, do you know me?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She responded, &amp;quot;Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, &amp;quot;Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She again replied, &amp;quot;Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, &amp;quot;If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.&lt;br&gt;M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.&lt;br&gt;M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form."/>
  <joke text="Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, &amp;quot;You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His buddy looks at him and says, &amp;quot;Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, &amp;quot;Why is the bride dressed in white?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Litte Susie thought about this for a moment, then said &amp;quot;So why is the groom wearing black?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, &amp;quot;How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, &amp;quot;A basketball coach?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. &amp;quot;Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, &amp;quot;I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, since we're confiding in each other,&amp;quot; said the doctor, &amp;quot;I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer was aghast. &amp;quot;I'm ashamed of both of you,&amp;quot; he exclaimed. &amp;quot;I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, &amp;quot;Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You mean aspirin?&amp;quot; asked the pharmacist.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's it, I can never remember that word.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ..."/>
  <joke text="Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.&lt;br&gt;Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.&lt;br&gt;Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.&lt;br&gt;Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;and, most importantly:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department."/>
  <joke text="How is a woman like a condom?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick."/>
  <joke text="Old software engineers never die, they just logout."/>
  <joke text="Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.&lt;br&gt;Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.&lt;br&gt;DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.&lt;br&gt;Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work."/>
  <joke text="Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!"/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: &amp;quot;Does anyone know what this is?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny replied: &amp;quot;That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old priest suggests, &amp;quot;Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.&amp;quot; The new priest tries this.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old priest suggests, &amp;quot;Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and &amp;quot;I understand. How did you feel about that?&amp;quot; The new priest says those things.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old priest says, &amp;quot;Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Unix *is* user friendly. It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly."/>
  <joke text="On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, &amp;quot;What time is it?&amp;quot; The tower responded, &amp;quot;Who is calling?&amp;quot; The aircraft replied, &amp;quot;What difference does it make?&amp;quot; The tower replied &amp;quot;It makes a lot of difference.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.&lt;br&gt;2) If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.&lt;br&gt;3) If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.&lt;br&gt;4) If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.&lt;br&gt;5) If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to &amp;quot;Happy Hour.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. &amp;quot;Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="This is Linux land. In silent nights you can hear the Windows machines rebooting."/>
  <joke text="There are 10 kind of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't."/>
  <joke text="Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, &amp;quot;So ... how was I?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; Gwen said, &amp;quot;you can take anything from the bottom shelf.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead."/>
  <joke text="A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;But I'm a college graduate,&amp;quot; the young man replied indignantly.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that,&amp;quot; said the manager. &amp;quot;Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mumma's so fat when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn't want!"/>
  <joke text="Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: &amp;quot;I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His second friend says: &amp;quot;I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Paddy says: &amp;quot;I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.&amp;quot; Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. &amp;quot;No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;How do you know what to say?&amp;quot; she asked.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why, God tells me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, &amp;quot;Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, &amp;quot;To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Talent does what it can, genius what it must.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I do what I get paid to do."/>
  <joke text="How does a blonde kill a fish?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She drowns it ..."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention."/>
  <joke text="At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, &amp;quot;Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, &amp;quot;the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars&amp;quot;. &amp;quot;Why does the parrot cost so much,&amp;quot; asks the man. The shop owner says, &amp;quot;well, the parrot knows how to use a computer&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, &amp;quot;What can it do?&amp;quot; To which the shop owner replies, &amp;quot;to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, &amp;quot;If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, &amp;quot;Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: &amp;quot;I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: &amp;quot;I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door had a smirk on his face and said: &amp;quot;I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?"/>
  <joke text="10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.&lt;br&gt;20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.&lt;br&gt;36% of the women favour nudity.&lt;br&gt;45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.&lt;br&gt;46% of the women experienced anal sex.&lt;br&gt;70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.&lt;br&gt;80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.&lt;br&gt;90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.&lt;br&gt;99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Conclusion:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Moral:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?&amp;quot; asked Jane's best friend.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why shouldn't I?&amp;quot; said Jane.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, maybe he is having an affair?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No way&amp;quot; said Jane &amp;quot;he never returns with any fish...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: &amp;quot;Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. &amp;quot;Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered &amp;quot;An apple.&amp;quot; The teacher replied, &amp;quot;No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.&amp;quot; Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. &amp;quot;Is it a peach?&amp;quot; Billy asks. &amp;quot;No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,&amp;quot; the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. &amp;quot;A banana,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;No,&amp;quot; the teacher replies, &amp;quot;it's a squash, but I like your thinking.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. &amp;quot;Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Johnny!&amp;quot; she cries. &amp;quot;That's disgusting!&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Nope,&amp;quot; answers Johnny, &amp;quot;it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Golf rules for beginners:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.&lt;br&gt;2) Form a loose grip.&lt;br&gt;3) Keep your head down.&lt;br&gt;4) Avoid a quick back swing.&lt;br&gt;5) Stay out of the water.&lt;br&gt;6) Try not to hit anyone.&lt;br&gt;7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.&lt;br&gt;8) Don't stand directly in front of others.&lt;br&gt;9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.&lt;br&gt;10) Don't take extra strokes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off."/>
  <joke text="A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim &amp;quot;a little bit&amp;quot;. When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, &amp;quot;I would say it was about one-tenth that hard.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong."/>
  <joke text="A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, &amp;quot;I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.&amp;quot; The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cowboy said, &amp;quot;Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She replied, &amp;quot;I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cowboy said, &amp;quot;Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She said, &amp;quot;You tell him. He is the one shaving you.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first guy said, &amp;quot;I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The second guy responded, &amp;quot;I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They then asked the woman, &amp;quot;What are you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She replied: &amp;quot;I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To see what was on the other side."/>
  <joke text="Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, &amp;quot;Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His father thinking quickly said, &amp;quot;Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Gee Dad that's great,&amp;quot; said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, &amp;quot;Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What do you mean?&amp;quot; said Dad.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, &amp;quot;Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming&amp;quot; If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins."/>
  <joke text="A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: &amp;quot;Why are you laughing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I was thinking about my own funeral&amp;quot; the man replied.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What's so funny about that?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm a gynecologist.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His friend says: &amp;quot;Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man then replies: &amp;quot;Yeah, well we were married 35 years.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man speaks frantically into the phone, &amp;quot;My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Is this her first child?&amp;quot; the doctor queries.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, you idiot!&amp;quot; the man shouts. &amp;quot;This is her husband!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, &amp;quot;Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Jus' some chickens.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;OK. Ummmmm ... five?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, &amp;quot;Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, &amp;quot;Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He replies, &amp;quot;Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer."/>
  <joke text="Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No&amp;quot;, the man replied. &amp;quot;Land-mines.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word &amp;quot;penis&amp;quot; chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - &amp;quot;penis&amp;quot;, this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word &amp;quot;penis&amp;quot; again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: &amp;quot;See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, her ass has its own congressman."/>
  <joke text="How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen."/>
  <joke text="One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;May I speak to your parents?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;They're busy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh. Is anybody else there?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The police.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Can I speak to them?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;They're busy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh. Is anybody else there?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The firemen.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Can I speak to them?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;They're busy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Lookin for me.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The vector was walking down cartesian drive when he bumbed into a confused Scalar. The vector asked him what was wrong and he replied, &amp;quot;Help i have no direction.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.&lt;br&gt;2) None. It's a hardware problem!&lt;br&gt;3) Just one. But the house falls down.&lt;br&gt;4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.&lt;br&gt;5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.&lt;br&gt;6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?"/>
  <joke text="A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife &amp;quot;sleepily&amp;quot; sat up and said, &amp;quot;Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Certainly, honey,&amp;quot; he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, &amp;quot;Say,&amp;quot; said the pharmacist, &amp;quot;I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, sure. So?&amp;quot; said the officer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He asked God, &amp;quot;Why did you make her so kind-hearted?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;The Lord responded, &amp;quot;So you could love her, my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why did you make her so good-looking?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So you could love her, my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why did you make her such a good cook?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So you could love her, my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man thought about this. Then he said, &amp;quot;I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So she could love you, my son.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, &amp;quot;Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's okay,&amp;quot; the blonde replied, &amp;quot;I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better."/>
  <joke text="Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, &amp;quot;Mama! I have someone for you to meet.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, &amp;quot;Why the black panties?&amp;quot; She replies, &amp;quot;My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, &amp;quot;What's with this ... a black condom?&amp;quot; He replies, &amp;quot;I want to offer my condolences.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, &amp;quot;Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, &amp;quot;I guess you'd be eating alone.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A minister told his congregation, &amp;quot;Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, &amp;quot;Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do you make a cat go 'woof'?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Soak it in petrol and set it on fire."/>
  <joke text="You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Shoot the lawyer. Twice."/>
  <joke text="A man complained to his friend, &amp;quot;My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Don't do that,&amp;quot; volunteered his friend, &amp;quot;there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.&lt;br&gt;Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.&lt;br&gt;Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.&lt;br&gt;Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.&lt;br&gt;And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better."/>
  <joke text="The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her."/>
  <joke text="What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Nuclear fission."/>
  <joke text="A social worker asks a collegue: &amp;quot;What time is it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other one answers: &amp;quot;Sorry, don't know, I have no watch.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first one: &amp;quot;Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one."/>
  <joke text="In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, &amp;quot;Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Not at all, Ma'am,&amp;quot; the manager replied. &amp;quot;It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If it's there and you can see it - it's real.&lt;br&gt;If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.&lt;br&gt;If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.&lt;br&gt;If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!"/>
  <joke text="A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, &amp;quot;My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely.&amp;quot; So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, &amp;quot;Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, &amp;quot;Clumsy idiot.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. &amp;quot;Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Marine replied, &amp;quot;I got my four Sir.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"/>
  <joke text="A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The 1st girl writes: M&amp;M's.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&amp;M's and reads the slogan &amp;quot;It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, &amp;quot;Mmm ... mmm ... good.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads &amp;quot;The best never stop.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do prisoners use to call each other?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Cell phones."/>
  <joke text="Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!"/>
  <joke text="Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?"/>
  <joke text="Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, &amp;quot;What do you want?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Nothing important, sir,&amp;quot; the airman replied, &amp;quot;I'm just here to hook up your telephone.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: &amp;quot;Take only ONE. God is watching.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, &amp;quot;Take all you want. God is watching the apples.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: &amp;quot;Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;How do you mean?&amp;quot; said Alec.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, I know what you mean,&amp;quot; said Alec. &amp;quot;Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was &amp;quot;You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, &amp;quot;I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why do men break wind more than women?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure."/>
  <joke text="Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied &amp;quot;Read my lips. No more Bush&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out."/>
  <joke text="Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone."/>
  <joke text="A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, &amp;quot;I wish I had bigger tits&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boyfriend says &amp;quot;Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;How will that help to make my tits bigger?&amp;quot; asks the girlfriend.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well it worked for your ass&amp;quot; says the boyfriend."/>
  <joke text="There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again. He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: &amp;quot;Now you're fucked.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Physics Teacher: &amp;quot;Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Student: &amp;quot;Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: &amp;quot;Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, &amp;quot;And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny replied, &amp;quot;Because people are sleeping.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate."/>
  <joke text="How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say &amp;quot;That should be me up there!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2) None. The stunt double does it for them."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!"/>
  <joke text="Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."/>
  <joke text="After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, &amp;quot;It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Adam answered, &amp;quot;Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?&amp;quot; So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, &amp;quot;Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;And the Lord replied, &amp;quot;Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.&amp;quot; And Adam said, &amp;quot;What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, &amp;quot;Lord, that was even better than the kiss.&amp;quot; And the Lord said, &amp;quot;You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.&amp;quot; And Adam asked, &amp;quot;What is 'make love' Lord?&amp;quot;' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;And Adam said, &amp;quot;Lord, what is a headache?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Chemist's last words&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) And now the tasting test ...&lt;br&gt;2) And now shake it a bit ...&lt;br&gt;3) In which glass was my mineral water?&lt;br&gt;4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?&lt;br&gt;5) And now the detonating gas problem.&lt;br&gt;6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.&lt;br&gt;7) Now you can take the protection window away ...&lt;br&gt;8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?&lt;br&gt;9) And now a cigarette ..."/>
  <joke text="At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.&lt;br&gt;2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.&lt;br&gt;3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.&lt;br&gt;4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.&lt;br&gt;5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought &amp;quot;Car95&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;CarNT&amp;quot;. But then you would have to buy more seats.&lt;br&gt;6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.&lt;br&gt;7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single &amp;quot;general car default&amp;quot; warning light.&lt;br&gt;8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.&lt;br&gt;9) The airbag system would say &amp;quot;Are you sure?&amp;quot; before going off.&lt;br&gt;10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.&lt;br&gt;11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.&lt;br&gt;12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.&lt;br&gt;13) You'd press the &amp;quot;start&amp;quot; button to shut off the engine."/>
  <joke text="Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: &amp;quot;Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: &amp;quot;Will I be acquitted?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why did Microsoft give the name &amp;quot;Windows&amp;quot; to its operating software?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!"/>
  <joke text="Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Doctor: &amp;quot;How did such a thing happen?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;Johnny: &amp;quot;It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. &amp;quot;How do you guys do that?&amp;quot; asked Carl. &amp;quot;I mean, get such long dicks?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; replied the black man