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<jokes>
  <joke text="Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, &amp;quot;Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, &amp;quot;Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, &amp;quot;Jesus is watching you&amp;quot;. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said &amp;quot;Jesus is watching you&amp;quot;. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, &amp;quot;yes.&amp;quot; He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, &amp;quot;Moses.&amp;quot; The burglar asked, &amp;quot;what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?&amp;quot; The parrot said, &amp;quot;the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."/>
  <joke text="Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... &amp;quot;Damn&amp;quot;! A bad Skydiver goes: &amp;quot;Damn&amp;quot;! ... WHACK."/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. &amp;quot;Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!&amp;quot; She told him, &amp;quot;I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you.&amp;quot; So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. &amp;quot;Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, &amp;quot;Can I help you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man said, &amp;quot;Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. &amp;quot;How're you doing?&amp;quot; asks the doctor. &amp;quot;Pretty good,&amp;quot; answers the old man. &amp;quot;I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. &amp;quot;How're you feeling?&amp;quot; he asks. &amp;quot;I'm doing well,&amp;quot; answers the old woman. &amp;quot;I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain.&amp;quot; The doctor says, &amp;quot;That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Oh No,&amp;quot; says the woman, &amp;quot;He's peeing in the refrigerator again.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. &amp;quot;You know,&amp;quot; he said, &amp;quot;I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. &amp;quot;I'll bet you $10 he'll jump,&amp;quot; said the first guy.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Bet you $10 he won't,&amp;quot; replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I can't take your money,&amp;quot; said the first guy. &amp;quot;I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, no. Take it,&amp;quot; said the second guy. &amp;quot;I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Mother to daughter: &amp;quot;What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: &amp;quot;You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy says OK, and drives away.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: &amp;quot;I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy replies: &amp;quot;I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He said &amp;quot;Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Adam said &amp;quot;Great! How much will she cost me?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The answer came back, &amp;quot;An arm and a leg.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; said Adam &amp;quot;what can I get for a rib?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When asked to define &amp;quot;great&amp;quot; he said, &amp;quot;I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages."/>
  <joke text="Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Sheila said, &amp;quot;When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, &amp;quot;What did you say?!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;A prostitute!&amp;quot; Sheila exclaimed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said &amp;quot;Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If you'll just learn to cook,&amp;quot; he said, &amp;quot;we can fire the chef.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Okay,&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, &amp;quot;You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, &amp;quot;Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, &amp;quot;Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, &amp;quot;I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Sure!&amp;quot; she says, &amp;quot;He's at home taking care of the kids ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.&lt;br&gt;2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.&lt;br&gt;3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do."/>
  <joke text="A man bursts into his house and yells, &amp;quot;Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She says, &amp;quot;Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He replies, &amp;quot;I don't care ... Just get the hell out!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!"/>
  <joke text="Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, &amp;quot; I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, &amp;quot; I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked &amp;quot;What is your problem Bill Gates?&amp;quot; Bill Gates responded &amp;quot; I think you are sitting in my chair&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1% said, &amp;quot;No&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2% said, &amp;quot;Yes&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;97% said, &amp;quot;Never Again&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,&amp;quot; the divorce court judge said, &amp;quot;and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's very nice, your honour,&amp;quot; the husband said. &amp;quot;And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says &amp;quot;Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;This time the husband crosses his fingers and says &amp;quot;Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!"/>
  <joke text="The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. &amp;quot;I assume,&amp;quot; she snarled, &amp;quot;that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;There is.&amp;quot; he replied, &amp;quot;Breakfast.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, &amp;quot;Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The twenty answered, &amp;quot;I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The one dollar bill said, &amp;quot;You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, &amp;quot;Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; replies the other, &amp;quot;I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Good choice,&amp;quot; says the first, &amp;quot;her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds &amp;quot;Wife Wanted&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: &amp;quot;You can have mine.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said &amp;quot;These look like deer tracks.&amp;quot; and the other one said: &amp;quot;No they look like moose tracks.&amp;quot; They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them."/>
  <joke text="If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?"/>
  <joke text="Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, &amp;quot;Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.&amp;quot; Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, &amp;quot;Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blind man calmly replied, &amp;quot;I'm just lookin' around.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met."/>
  <joke text="What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Nothing, they haven't met!"/>
  <joke text="A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, &amp;quot;Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?&amp;quot; Churchill sleepily replied, &amp;quot;No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: &amp;quot;That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.&amp;quot; In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The bus driver insulted me,&amp;quot; she fumed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man sympathized and said &amp;quot;Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You're right,&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's a good idea,&amp;quot; the man said. &amp;quot;Here, let me hold your monkey.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, &amp;quot;I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. &amp;quot;What is it?&amp;quot; exclaims the President.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Just go ahead and pay it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When Hillary is out of town."/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Daddy,&amp;quot; a little girl asked her father, &amp;quot;do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? &amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, sweetheart,&amp;quot; he answered. &amp;quot;Some begin with 'If I am elected.'&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, &amp;quot;You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The frog is thrilled and says, &amp;quot;This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No&amp;quot; says the psychic, &amp;quot;in a Biology class.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did."/>
  <joke text="First guy proudly: &amp;quot;My wife's an angel!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Second guy: &amp;quot;You're lucky, mine's still alive.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's unfair!&amp;quot; he cried. &amp;quot;I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Shut up&amp;quot;, barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Who are you to question that woman's punishment?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Cessna: &amp;quot;Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Tower: &amp;quot;Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Cessna: &amp;quot;Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, &amp;quot;aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other replied, &amp;quot;Yes I am, I married the wrong man.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I don't want to know!&amp;quot; Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh Pop,&amp;quot; Johnny sobbed, &amp;quot;for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Pregnant."/>
  <joke text="A rabbit came to a shop and asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot; The seller answered, &amp;quot;Noub!&amp;quot; The next day the rabbit came again and asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot; The seller retorted, &amp;quot;No!&amp;quot; Next day the rabbit came and asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot; The seller shouted, &amp;quot;NO! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!!!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Early the next morning rabbit came back and asked, &amp;quot; Got any nails?&amp;quot; The seller answered, &amp;quot;Noub!&amp;quot; The rabbit asked, &amp;quot;Got any carrots?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The gang was very happy to escape. &amp;quot;It ain't so bad,&amp;quot; one crook noted. &amp;quot;We got $25 between us.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boss screamed: &amp;quot;I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. &amp;quot;Mother Mole!&amp;quot; He called back down the hole. &amp;quot;Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!&amp;quot; The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. &amp;quot;That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!&amp;quot; The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. &amp;quot;I can't smell anything down here but molasses ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, &amp;quot;So, you've got your own company, huh? How lucky!&amp;quot; The other replied, &amp;quot;Just a small one, nothing to be proud of.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Disbelieving, the first queried, &amp;quot;Small? How many people work in your company?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other sadly answered, &amp;quot;About half of them.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. &amp;quot;What the hell do you think you're doing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: &amp;quot;If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Some traffic signs say stop."/>
  <joke text="So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first cow said,&amp;quot;I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other cow replies, &amp;quot;Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Lawyer: &amp;quot;Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Judge: &amp;quot;And what is the nature of the new evidence?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Lawyer: &amp;quot;Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What does a man consider a seven course meal?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A hot dog and a six pack of beer."/>
  <joke text="How can you tell if your husband is dead?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The sex is the same but you get to use the remote."/>
  <joke text="Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The chicken sounds good, I'll have that,&amp;quot; Hillary says.&lt;br&gt;The waiter nods: &amp;quot;And the vegetable?&amp;quot; he asks.&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, HE'll have the fish.&amp;quot; Hillary replies."/>
  <joke text="What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You keep hearing about them, but never see any."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There are skid marks in front of the skunk."/>
  <joke text="Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You're running around with other women,&amp;quot; she charged.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You're being unreasonable,&amp;quot; Adam responded. &amp;quot;You're the only woman on earth.&amp;quot; The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What do you think you're doing?&amp;quot; Adam demanded.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Counting your ribs!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Sam: &amp;quot;Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Teacher: &amp;quot;No, of course not.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sam: &amp;quot;Good, because I didn't do my homework.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between a battery and a woman?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A battery has a positive side."/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Daddy,&amp;quot; a little boy asked his father. &amp;quot;How much does it cost to get married?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.&lt;br&gt;2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood."/>
  <joke text="A guy walks into a bar and demands to know &amp;quot;Who's the strongest in here?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The toughest guy looks at him and says &amp;quot;I am the strongest around here!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other guy politely asks &amp;quot;Can you help me push my car to the gas station?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The dog shuts up when you let it in."/>
  <joke text="A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's which was £100,000.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?&amp;quot; exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;not exactly&amp;quot; replied the surgeon, &amp;quot;the politician's has never been used.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Programming is like sex:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."/>
  <joke text="Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'll have a glass of blood,&amp;quot; said one.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'll have a glass of plasma,&amp;quot; said the other.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Okay,&amp;quot; replied the bartender, &amp;quot;That'll be one blood and one blood lite.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. &amp;quot;But why?&amp;quot; asked his puzzled friend, &amp;quot;You're labour through and through… Why change now?&amp;quot; The man leaned forward and explained, &amp;quot;Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures."/>
  <joke text="What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His ass."/>
  <joke text="A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, &amp;quot;What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy answers, &amp;quot;My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Forget it, man,&amp;quot; said his partner, &amp;quot;you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, &amp;quot;Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His answer to the question: &amp;quot;What chair?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Arrive naked ... with beer."/>
  <joke text="After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Get up dear,&amp;quot; she said, &amp;quot;it's 20 to seven.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He awoke with a start and said, &amp;quot;In who's favor?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, &amp;quot;Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, &amp;quot;Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.&lt;br&gt;If it stinks, it's chemistry.&lt;br&gt;If it doesn't work, it's physics."/>
  <joke text="Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on."/>
  <joke text="The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The farmer asked the manager: &amp;quot;How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The manager answered: &amp;quot;Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."/>
  <joke text="Tech Support: &amp;quot;Do you have any windows open right now?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Customer: &amp;quot;Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She wants to be the first lady."/>
  <joke text="I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, &amp;quot;Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replied, &amp;quot;How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.&amp;quot; The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mr. Smith stood up and said, &amp;quot;Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, &amp;quot;I think I need a breath of fresh air.&amp;quot; The man continued, &amp;quot;I work for 7-UP.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Data transfer."/>
  <joke text="A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: &amp;quot;Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm positive.&amp;quot; replied the atom."/>
  <joke text="A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives &amp;quot;I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, &amp;quot;You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.&amp;quot; The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, &amp;quot;You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you."/>
  <joke text="Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience."/>
  <joke text="What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;An airbag."/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;A philosopher,&amp;quot; said the theologian, &amp;quot;is like a blind man in a darkened room looking for a black cat that isn't there.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's right,&amp;quot; the philosopher replied, &amp;quot;and if he were a theologian, he'd find it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Customer: &amp;quot;How much do Windows cost?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Tech Support: &amp;quot;Windows costs about $100.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Customer: &amp;quot;Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They won't stop to ask directions."/>
  <joke text="There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why don't you order a Guinness?&amp;quot; his colleagues ask.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.&lt;br&gt;Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.&lt;br&gt;Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.&lt;br&gt;Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."/>
  <joke text="A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What's the matter, old man?&amp;quot; says the young man. &amp;quot;Never done anything crazy in your life?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old man replies: &amp;quot;Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I tought you might be my son.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!"/>
  <joke text="Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, I goes up to him and said: &amp;quot;Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...&lt;br&gt;But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ..."/>
  <joke text="A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Excuse me, Ma'am,&amp;quot; the soldier finally spoke, &amp;quot;Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, &amp;quot;oh! You Americans. You are so rude.&lt;br&gt;Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You Americans&amp;quot;, he said, &amp;quot;You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, &amp;quot;I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, &amp;quot;Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. &amp;quot;You don't suppose she took it, do you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Ben said, &amp;quot;Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So he sat down and wrote: &amp;quot;Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for &amp;quot;snow,&amp;quot; does this mean the French have a thousand different words for &amp;quot;surrender?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat and old that when God said &amp;quot;Let there be Light&amp;quot;, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way."/>
  <joke text="Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music."/>
  <joke text="Absolute zero is cool."/>
  <joke text="A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: &amp;quot;For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor says: &amp;quot;It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The manager says: &amp;quot;You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work."/>
  <joke text="What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Artificial intelligence."/>
  <joke text="An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a &amp;quot;Whoop&amp;quot; so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final &amp;quot;Yahoo&amp;quot; and rode off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?&amp;quot; asked the service station attendant.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Nothing,&amp;quot; shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Lady,&amp;quot; the attendant said, &amp;quot;that guy was riding bareback ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, &amp;quot;I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says &amp;quot;Blame your predecessor!&amp;quot; He does this and gets off the hook.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, &amp;quot;Reorganize!&amp;quot; This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says &amp;quot;Prepare three envelopes&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A flat major."/>
  <joke text="Son: &amp;quot;Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Father: &amp;quot;Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Son: &amp;quot;I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next morning he reported to his father.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Son: &amp;quot;Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Father: &amp;quot;Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Son: &amp;quot;Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows."/>
  <joke text="Math problems?  Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]."/>
  <joke text="How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back."/>
  <joke text="A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, &amp;quot;you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man quickly responds, &amp;quot;the lawyer's&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor says, &amp;quot;Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man says, &amp;quot;I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, &amp;quot;Tell me about the day you died.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man said, &amp;quot;Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. &amp;quot;Well, sir, it was awful,&amp;quot; said the second man. &amp;quot;I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Tell me about the day you died?&amp;quot;, he said to the third man in line.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do crazy people go through the forest?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They take the psycho path."/>
  <joke text="A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, &amp;quot;The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between God and a social worker?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God doesn't pretend to be a social worker."/>
  <joke text="At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: &amp;quot;The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment.&amp;quot; An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Now who's ready to show their commitment?&amp;quot; said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said &amp;quot;I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners."/>
  <joke text="How do you confuse a blonde?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;How does a blonde confuse you?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She comes out and says she did it."/>
  <joke text="Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head."/>
  <joke text="Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, &amp;quot;What is this?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first lawyer replies, &amp;quot;It's the $100 I owe you.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the smallest part of a FIAT?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The owners brain."/>
  <joke text="There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She realizes her husband is using a cucumber!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies &amp;quot;Yes.&amp;quot; She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a &amp;quot;stupid cheating bastard.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He looks at her and says, &amp;quot;I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing &amp;quot;We are family ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity."/>
  <joke text="How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin."/>
  <joke text="Officer: &amp;quot;Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Soldier: &amp;quot;Sure, buddy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Officer: &amp;quot;That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Officer: &amp;quot;Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Soldier: &amp;quot;No, SIR!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, &amp;quot;What size?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replies, &amp;quot;Size? I didn't know they came in sizes.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, they do,&amp;quot; she says, &amp;quot;What size do you want?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, gee, I don't know,&amp;quot; the man answers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, &amp;quot;What will it be? Small, medium, or large?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replies, &amp;quot;To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Genie said, &amp;quot;Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman didn't hesitate. She said, &amp;quot;I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, &amp;quot;Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman thought for a minute and said, &amp;quot;Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Genie let out a long sigh and said, &amp;quot;Let me see that fucking map!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?"/>
  <joke text="Do you know what the death rate around here is?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One per person."/>
  <joke text="In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, &amp;quot;If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, &amp;quot;If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, &amp;quot;If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. &amp;quot;See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, &amp;quot;I bet you're single, aren't you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well yes, I am,&amp;quot; the woman replied. &amp;quot;How did you know?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Because you're really ugly,&amp;quot; replied the man."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control."/>
  <joke text="A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, &amp;quot;LOW BRIDGE AHEAD&amp;quot;. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, &amp;quot;Got your truck stuck, huh?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The truck driver says, &amp;quot;No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Tell me a bedtime story.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Fuck you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's my favourite.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, &amp;quot;Can you tell me how much you charge?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Of course&amp;quot;, the lawyer replied, &amp;quot;I charge $500 to answer three questions.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes it is&amp;quot;, answered the lawyer, &amp;quot;What's your third question?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, &amp;quot;I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. &amp;quot;Is your bet still good?&amp;quot; asks the Irishman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, &amp;quot;If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Irishman replies, &amp;quot;Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, &amp;quot;And how much money do you make a week?&amp;quot; Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, &amp;quot;I make $300.00 a week. Why?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, &amp;quot;Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks &amp;quot;Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, &amp;quot;Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. &amp;quot;This,&amp;quot; he explained, &amp;quot;is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. &amp;quot;If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. &amp;quot;Your money or your life!&amp;quot; says the mugger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm sorry,&amp;quot; the social worker answers, &amp;quot;I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: &amp;quot;Hey, where am I?&amp;quot;. The solitary office worker replies: &amp;quot;You're in an airplane.&amp;quot;. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. &amp;quot;Elementary,&amp;quot; replies the pilot, &amp;quot;I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="To err is human; effective mayhem requires the root password!"/>
  <joke text="Unix *is* user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are."/>
  <joke text="George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?&amp;quot; the lawyer asked.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's the bad news?&amp;quot; George was stunned? &amp;quot;If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Rules of the lab&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.&lt;br&gt;2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.&lt;br&gt;3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.&lt;br&gt;4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.&lt;br&gt;5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.&lt;br&gt;6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.&lt;br&gt;7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.&lt;br&gt;8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.&lt;br&gt;9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.&lt;br&gt;10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.&lt;br&gt;11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.&lt;br&gt;12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.&lt;br&gt;13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.&lt;br&gt;14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it."/>
  <joke text="Why won't sharks attack lawyers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Professional courtesy."/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot."/>
  <joke text="Old software engineers never die, they just reboot."/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny: &amp;quot;Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mum: &amp;quot;No it doesn't my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny: &amp;quot;Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The loan officer said, &amp;quot;We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The business man replied: &amp;quot;Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said &amp;quot;Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, &amp;quot;Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, &amp;quot;Falling Brick&amp;quot;. The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, &amp;quot;A $100 bonus for you laddy&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff &amp;quot;FUCK HE'S DEAD&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="In Heaven:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cooks are French,&lt;br&gt;The policemen are English,&lt;br&gt;The mechanics are German,&lt;br&gt;The lovers are Italian,&lt;br&gt;The bankers are Swiss.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In Hell:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cooks are English,&lt;br&gt;The policemen are German,&lt;br&gt;The mechanics are French,&lt;br&gt;The lovers are Swiss,&lt;br&gt;The bankers are Italian."/>
  <joke text="In Computer Heaven:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The management is from Intel,&lt;br&gt;The design and construction is done by Apple,&lt;br&gt;The marketing is done by Microsoft,&lt;br&gt;IBM provides the support,&lt;br&gt;Gateway determines the pricing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In Computer Hell:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The management is from Apple,&lt;br&gt;Microsoft does design and construction,&lt;br&gt;IBM handles the marketing,&lt;br&gt;The support is from Gateway,&lt;br&gt;Intel sets the price."/>
  <joke text="How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) &amp;quot;Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2) &amp;quot;Define 'light bulb' ...&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;3) &amp;quot;How can you be sure it needs changing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists."/>
  <joke text="Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, &amp;quot;What is a penis?&amp;quot; The boy replied, &amp;quot;I don't know.&amp;quot; At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, &amp;quot;What is a penis?&amp;quot; The dad whips his out and says to the boy, &amp;quot;This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, &amp;quot;This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up&amp;quot; said the sarcastic teacher.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?&amp;quot; enquired the teacher with a sneer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, actually I don't,&amp;quot; said the student, &amp;quot;but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You only have to put information into a computer once."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a man and E.T.?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;E.T. phoned home."/>
  <joke text="A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Doctor asked, &amp;quot;Do you enjoy it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She said that she did.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He asked, &amp;quot;Does it hurt you?&amp;quot; She said no.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Doctor then told her, &amp;quot;Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.&amp;quot; The woman was mystified.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She asked, &amp;quot;You can get pregnant from anal sex?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Doctor replied, &amp;quot;Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why are hurricanes normally named after women?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them."/>
  <joke text="Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number."/>
  <joke text="A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said &amp;quot;I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The husband replied&amp;quot; Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."/>
  <joke text="The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;It's a period&amp;quot; reported Johnnie.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well I can see that&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;but what is so exciting about a period.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Damned if I know&amp;quot; said Johnnie, &amp;quot;but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,&amp;quot; he insisted. &amp;quot;And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,&amp;quot; he said. &amp;quot;Any comments?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His new bride replied, &amp;quot;No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. The invisible hand does it."/>
  <joke text="Meeting rules for managers:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.&lt;br&gt;2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.&lt;br&gt;3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.&lt;br&gt;4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.&lt;br&gt;5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for."/>
  <joke text="A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man said, &amp;quot;I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So the woman replies, &amp;quot;If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, &amp;quot;Mrs. Jones, do you know me?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She responded, &amp;quot;Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, &amp;quot;Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She again replied, &amp;quot;Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, &amp;quot;If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.&lt;br&gt;M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.&lt;br&gt;M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form."/>
  <joke text="Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, &amp;quot;You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His buddy looks at him and says, &amp;quot;Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, &amp;quot;Why is the bride dressed in white?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Litte Susie thought about this for a moment, then said &amp;quot;So why is the groom wearing black?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, &amp;quot;How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, &amp;quot;A basketball coach?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. &amp;quot;Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, &amp;quot;I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, since we're confiding in each other,&amp;quot; said the doctor, &amp;quot;I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer was aghast. &amp;quot;I'm ashamed of both of you,&amp;quot; he exclaimed. &amp;quot;I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, &amp;quot;Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You mean aspirin?&amp;quot; asked the pharmacist.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's it, I can never remember that word.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ..."/>
  <joke text="Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.&lt;br&gt;Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.&lt;br&gt;Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.&lt;br&gt;Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;and, most importantly:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department."/>
  <joke text="How is a woman like a condom?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick."/>
  <joke text="Old software engineers never die, they just logout."/>
  <joke text="Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.&lt;br&gt;Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.&lt;br&gt;DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.&lt;br&gt;Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work."/>
  <joke text="Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!"/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: &amp;quot;Does anyone know what this is?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny replied: &amp;quot;That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old priest suggests, &amp;quot;Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.&amp;quot; The new priest tries this.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old priest suggests, &amp;quot;Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and &amp;quot;I understand. How did you feel about that?&amp;quot; The new priest says those things.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old priest says, &amp;quot;Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Unix *is* user friendly. It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly."/>
  <joke text="On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, &amp;quot;What time is it?&amp;quot; The tower responded, &amp;quot;Who is calling?&amp;quot; The aircraft replied, &amp;quot;What difference does it make?&amp;quot; The tower replied &amp;quot;It makes a lot of difference.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.&lt;br&gt;2) If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.&lt;br&gt;3) If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.&lt;br&gt;4) If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.&lt;br&gt;5) If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to &amp;quot;Happy Hour.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. &amp;quot;Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="This is Linux land. In silent nights you can hear the Windows machines rebooting."/>
  <joke text="There are 10 kind of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't."/>
  <joke text="Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, &amp;quot;So ... how was I?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; Gwen said, &amp;quot;you can take anything from the bottom shelf.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead."/>
  <joke text="A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;But I'm a college graduate,&amp;quot; the young man replied indignantly.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that,&amp;quot; said the manager. &amp;quot;Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mumma's so fat when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn't want!"/>
  <joke text="Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: &amp;quot;I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His second friend says: &amp;quot;I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Paddy says: &amp;quot;I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.&amp;quot; Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. &amp;quot;No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;How do you know what to say?&amp;quot; she asked.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why, God tells me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, &amp;quot;Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, &amp;quot;To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Talent does what it can, genius what it must.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I do what I get paid to do."/>
  <joke text="How does a blonde kill a fish?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She drowns it ..."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention."/>
  <joke text="At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, &amp;quot;Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, &amp;quot;the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars&amp;quot;. &amp;quot;Why does the parrot cost so much,&amp;quot; asks the man. The shop owner says, &amp;quot;well, the parrot knows how to use a computer&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, &amp;quot;What can it do?&amp;quot; To which the shop owner replies, &amp;quot;to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, &amp;quot;If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, &amp;quot;Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: &amp;quot;I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: &amp;quot;I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door had a smirk on his face and said: &amp;quot;I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?"/>
  <joke text="10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.&lt;br&gt;20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.&lt;br&gt;36% of the women favour nudity.&lt;br&gt;45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.&lt;br&gt;46% of the women experienced anal sex.&lt;br&gt;70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.&lt;br&gt;80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.&lt;br&gt;90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.&lt;br&gt;99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Conclusion:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Moral:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?&amp;quot; asked Jane's best friend.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why shouldn't I?&amp;quot; said Jane.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, maybe he is having an affair?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No way&amp;quot; said Jane &amp;quot;he never returns with any fish...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: &amp;quot;Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. &amp;quot;Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered &amp;quot;An apple.&amp;quot; The teacher replied, &amp;quot;No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.&amp;quot; Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. &amp;quot;Is it a peach?&amp;quot; Billy asks. &amp;quot;No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,&amp;quot; the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. &amp;quot;A banana,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;No,&amp;quot; the teacher replies, &amp;quot;it's a squash, but I like your thinking.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. &amp;quot;Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Johnny!&amp;quot; she cries. &amp;quot;That's disgusting!&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Nope,&amp;quot; answers Johnny, &amp;quot;it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Golf rules for beginners:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.&lt;br&gt;2) Form a loose grip.&lt;br&gt;3) Keep your head down.&lt;br&gt;4) Avoid a quick back swing.&lt;br&gt;5) Stay out of the water.&lt;br&gt;6) Try not to hit anyone.&lt;br&gt;7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.&lt;br&gt;8) Don't stand directly in front of others.&lt;br&gt;9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.&lt;br&gt;10) Don't take extra strokes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off."/>
  <joke text="A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim &amp;quot;a little bit&amp;quot;. When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, &amp;quot;I would say it was about one-tenth that hard.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong."/>
  <joke text="A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, &amp;quot;I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.&amp;quot; The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cowboy said, &amp;quot;Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She replied, &amp;quot;I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cowboy said, &amp;quot;Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She said, &amp;quot;You tell him. He is the one shaving you.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first guy said, &amp;quot;I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The second guy responded, &amp;quot;I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They then asked the woman, &amp;quot;What are you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She replied: &amp;quot;I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To see what was on the other side."/>
  <joke text="Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, &amp;quot;Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His father thinking quickly said, &amp;quot;Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Gee Dad that's great,&amp;quot; said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, &amp;quot;Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What do you mean?&amp;quot; said Dad.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, &amp;quot;Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming&amp;quot; If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins."/>
  <joke text="A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: &amp;quot;Why are you laughing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I was thinking about my own funeral&amp;quot; the man replied.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What's so funny about that?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm a gynecologist.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His friend says: &amp;quot;Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man then replies: &amp;quot;Yeah, well we were married 35 years.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man speaks frantically into the phone, &amp;quot;My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Is this her first child?&amp;quot; the doctor queries.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, you idiot!&amp;quot; the man shouts. &amp;quot;This is her husband!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, &amp;quot;Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Jus' some chickens.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;OK. Ummmmm ... five?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, &amp;quot;Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, &amp;quot;Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He replies, &amp;quot;Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer."/>
  <joke text="Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No&amp;quot;, the man replied. &amp;quot;Land-mines.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word &amp;quot;penis&amp;quot; chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - &amp;quot;penis&amp;quot;, this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word &amp;quot;penis&amp;quot; again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: &amp;quot;See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, her ass has its own congressman."/>
  <joke text="How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen."/>
  <joke text="One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;May I speak to your parents?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;They're busy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh. Is anybody else there?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The police.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Can I speak to them?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;They're busy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh. Is anybody else there?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The firemen.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Can I speak to them?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;They're busy.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Lookin for me.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The vector was walking down cartesian drive when he bumbed into a confused Scalar. The vector asked him what was wrong and he replied, &amp;quot;Help i have no direction.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.&lt;br&gt;2) None. It's a hardware problem!&lt;br&gt;3) Just one. But the house falls down.&lt;br&gt;4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.&lt;br&gt;5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.&lt;br&gt;6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?"/>
  <joke text="A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife &amp;quot;sleepily&amp;quot; sat up and said, &amp;quot;Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Certainly, honey,&amp;quot; he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, &amp;quot;Say,&amp;quot; said the pharmacist, &amp;quot;I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, sure. So?&amp;quot; said the officer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He asked God, &amp;quot;Why did you make her so kind-hearted?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;The Lord responded, &amp;quot;So you could love her, my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why did you make her so good-looking?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So you could love her, my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why did you make her such a good cook?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So you could love her, my son.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man thought about this. Then he said, &amp;quot;I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So she could love you, my son.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, &amp;quot;Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's okay,&amp;quot; the blonde replied, &amp;quot;I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better."/>
  <joke text="Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, &amp;quot;Mama! I have someone for you to meet.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, &amp;quot;Why the black panties?&amp;quot; She replies, &amp;quot;My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, &amp;quot;What's with this ... a black condom?&amp;quot; He replies, &amp;quot;I want to offer my condolences.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, &amp;quot;Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, &amp;quot;I guess you'd be eating alone.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A minister told his congregation, &amp;quot;Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, &amp;quot;Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do you make a cat go 'woof'?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Soak it in petrol and set it on fire."/>
  <joke text="You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Shoot the lawyer. Twice."/>
  <joke text="A man complained to his friend, &amp;quot;My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Don't do that,&amp;quot; volunteered his friend, &amp;quot;there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.&lt;br&gt;Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.&lt;br&gt;Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.&lt;br&gt;Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.&lt;br&gt;And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better."/>
  <joke text="The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her."/>
  <joke text="What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Nuclear fission."/>
  <joke text="A social worker asks a collegue: &amp;quot;What time is it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other one answers: &amp;quot;Sorry, don't know, I have no watch.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first one: &amp;quot;Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one."/>
  <joke text="In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, &amp;quot;Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Not at all, Ma'am,&amp;quot; the manager replied. &amp;quot;It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If it's there and you can see it - it's real.&lt;br&gt;If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.&lt;br&gt;If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.&lt;br&gt;If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!"/>
  <joke text="A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, &amp;quot;My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely.&amp;quot; So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, &amp;quot;Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, &amp;quot;Clumsy idiot.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. &amp;quot;Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Marine replied, &amp;quot;I got my four Sir.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"/>
  <joke text="A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The 1st girl writes: M&amp;M's.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&amp;M's and reads the slogan &amp;quot;It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, &amp;quot;Mmm ... mmm ... good.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads &amp;quot;The best never stop.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do prisoners use to call each other?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Cell phones."/>
  <joke text="Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!"/>
  <joke text="Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?"/>
  <joke text="Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, &amp;quot;What do you want?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Nothing important, sir,&amp;quot; the airman replied, &amp;quot;I'm just here to hook up your telephone.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: &amp;quot;Take only ONE. God is watching.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, &amp;quot;Take all you want. God is watching the apples.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: &amp;quot;Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;How do you mean?&amp;quot; said Alec.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, I know what you mean,&amp;quot; said Alec. &amp;quot;Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was &amp;quot;You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, &amp;quot;I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why do men break wind more than women?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure."/>
  <joke text="Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied &amp;quot;Read my lips. No more Bush&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out."/>
  <joke text="Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone."/>
  <joke text="A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, &amp;quot;I wish I had bigger tits&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boyfriend says &amp;quot;Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;How will that help to make my tits bigger?&amp;quot; asks the girlfriend.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well it worked for your ass&amp;quot; says the boyfriend."/>
  <joke text="There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again. He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: &amp;quot;Now you're fucked.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Physics Teacher: &amp;quot;Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Student: &amp;quot;Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: &amp;quot;Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, &amp;quot;And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny replied, &amp;quot;Because people are sleeping.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate."/>
  <joke text="How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say &amp;quot;That should be me up there!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2) None. The stunt double does it for them."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!"/>
  <joke text="Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."/>
  <joke text="After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, &amp;quot;It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Adam answered, &amp;quot;Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?&amp;quot; So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, &amp;quot;Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;And the Lord replied, &amp;quot;Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.&amp;quot; And Adam said, &amp;quot;What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, &amp;quot;Lord, that was even better than the kiss.&amp;quot; And the Lord said, &amp;quot;You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.&amp;quot; And Adam asked, &amp;quot;What is 'make love' Lord?&amp;quot;' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;And Adam said, &amp;quot;Lord, what is a headache?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Chemist's last words&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) And now the tasting test ...&lt;br&gt;2) And now shake it a bit ...&lt;br&gt;3) In which glass was my mineral water?&lt;br&gt;4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?&lt;br&gt;5) And now the detonating gas problem.&lt;br&gt;6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.&lt;br&gt;7) Now you can take the protection window away ...&lt;br&gt;8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?&lt;br&gt;9) And now a cigarette ..."/>
  <joke text="At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.&lt;br&gt;2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.&lt;br&gt;3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.&lt;br&gt;4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.&lt;br&gt;5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought &amp;quot;Car95&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;CarNT&amp;quot;. But then you would have to buy more seats.&lt;br&gt;6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.&lt;br&gt;7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single &amp;quot;general car default&amp;quot; warning light.&lt;br&gt;8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.&lt;br&gt;9) The airbag system would say &amp;quot;Are you sure?&amp;quot; before going off.&lt;br&gt;10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.&lt;br&gt;11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.&lt;br&gt;12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.&lt;br&gt;13) You'd press the &amp;quot;start&amp;quot; button to shut off the engine."/>
  <joke text="Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: &amp;quot;Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: &amp;quot;Will I be acquitted?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why did Microsoft give the name &amp;quot;Windows&amp;quot; to its operating software?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!"/>
  <joke text="Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Doctor: &amp;quot;How did such a thing happen?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;Johnny: &amp;quot;It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. &amp;quot;How do you guys do that?&amp;quot; asked Carl. &amp;quot;I mean, get such long dicks?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; replied the black man, &amp;quot;when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, &amp;quot;Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah,&amp;quot; said the wife. &amp;quot;You fuck like a black man!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Spitting, swallowing and gargling."/>
  <joke text="Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name."/>
  <joke text="Definition of pornography:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Reading material to be held in *one* hand"/>
  <joke text="An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, &amp;quot;TIMES UP&amp;quot;?"/>
  <joke text="Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Lady 1: What's that?&lt;br&gt;Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.&lt;br&gt;Lady 1: Where did you get it?&lt;br&gt;Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."/>
  <joke text="Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."/>
  <joke text="By three measures a manager is known:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.&lt;br&gt;2) The area of his desk.&lt;br&gt;3) The volume of his car's engine."/>
  <joke text="How do you get a blonde on the roof?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Tell her drinks are on the house."/>
  <joke text="Have you ever noticed that the Klingons are all speaking unix?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Grep ls awk chmod.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Mknod ksh tar imap.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Wall fsck yacc!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What did one lab rat say to the other?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."/>
  <joke text="A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Jesus turns to the old man and replies, &amp;quot;Play fair dad!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A widow."/>
  <joke text="A police recruit was asked during the exam, &amp;quot;What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He said, &amp;quot;Call for backup.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer."/>
  <joke text="Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The clerk says, &amp;quot;Is it the ball type?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No,&amp;quot; says Judi, it's for his underarms.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;5.  Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, &amp;quot;Place Your Ad Here&amp;quot; is printed on each of her butt cheeks."/>
  <joke text="Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The frog said to the princess, &amp;quot;I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;That night the princess had frogs legs for dinner."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blonde works in the dark!"/>
  <joke text="There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, &amp;quot;I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, &amp;quot;I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, &amp;quot;I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case."/>
  <joke text="43rd Law of Computing:&lt;br&gt;Anything that can go wr&lt;br&gt;fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped"/>
  <joke text="A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, &amp;quot;I've lost my grandpa&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The cop asked, &amp;quot;What's he like?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The little boy replied, &amp;quot;Jack Daniels and women with big tits.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) &amp;quot;I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2) &amp;quot;You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;3) &amp;quot;We haven't got a policy on that&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;4) &amp;quot;I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it."/>
  <joke text="Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew. They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route. This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a senior captain ...&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said &amp;quot;3rd tree to your right.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged."/>
  <joke text="A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: &amp;quot;My friend is dead! What can I do?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: &amp;quot;Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: &amp;quot;OK, now what?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Yoda of Borg, I am. Grammar irrelevant is. Assimilated you will be!"/>
  <joke text="A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: &amp;quot;Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and her.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She refused. So he said to her: &amp;quot;And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven, would you follow his advise?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Yes, I would&amp;quot; she said. So he asked: &amp;quot;Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?&amp;quot; And the voice from heaven said: &amp;quot;OK my friend, go ahead!&amp;quot; And so they had sex the first time.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father answered: &amp;quot;My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in heaven have a go!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His wife asks, &amp;quot;What's that for?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;It's for your headache.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I don't have a headache.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He replies, &amp;quot;Gotcha!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?&amp;quot; .&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well ... not exactly.&amp;quot; his friend replied, &amp;quot;She's more into the trick dog aspect of it.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, I see, kinky, huh?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, &amp;quot;Why do you want to join the Navy, son?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh? And what does your father do?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;He's in the Army, Sir.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The dad answers, &amp;quot;Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees ... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: &amp;quot;Damn, some asshole has my pen!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. &amp;quot;So you buried all the politicians?&amp;quot; asked the police officer. &amp;quot;Were they all dead?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The farmer answered, &amp;quot;Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="!rotinom ruoy edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH"/>
  <joke text="How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;3) &amp;quot;This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ...&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;4) &amp;quot;We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of &amp;quot;Deep Throat.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you call a sheep with no legs?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A cloud."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, she has to use a boomerang to put on her belt!"/>
  <joke text="How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on."/>
  <joke text="Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You can park in the handicapped spots."/>
  <joke text="A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice &amp;quot; ... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ... &amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned &amp;quot; ... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ... &amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, &amp;quot;Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replied, &amp;quot;This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy said, &amp;quot;Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.&amp;quot; The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?&amp;quot; asked the bartender.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replied, &amp;quot;I don't know. I've only had him for seven years.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real."/>
  <joke text="What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Slow down and use a lubricant."/>
  <joke text="What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They both wriggle when you eat them."/>
  <joke text="Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They should both be changed regularly ... and for the same reason."/>
  <joke text="How many college students does it take to screw a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Will this be on the test?"/>
  <joke text="Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Joseph: The sign said, &amp;quot;SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Russians used a pencil."/>
  <joke text="The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He announced, &amp;quot;I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What are you worried about?&amp;quot; asked the other. &amp;quot;We're both here.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="In a world without walls and fences - who needs Windows and Gates?"/>
  <joke text="I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;With any luck, right after it finishes college."/>
  <joke text="What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A pimp."/>
  <joke text="What do you get when you have 32 Kentuckians in the same room?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A full set of teeth."/>
  <joke text="What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A man's undivided attention."/>
  <joke text="A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, &amp;quot;Is he breast fed or on the bottle?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh ... he is breast fed!&amp;quot;, replied the woman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well then, strip down to your waist,&amp;quot; orders the doctor.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: &amp;quot;No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: &amp;quot;Well of course I don't.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The game warden told him that this was illegal.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said &amp;quot;Are you going to fish or talk?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, &amp;quot;Wow, that's a big one!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory."/>
  <joke text="Your Mama is so ugly, on halloween, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone!"/>
  <joke text="A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, &amp;quot;I need a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;10&amp;quot; said the caddy.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Great, you'll do perfectly!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. &amp;quot;You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Objection, your honor,&amp;quot; shouted the other lawyer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So,&amp;quot; the first lawyer continued, &amp;quot;Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Nothing,&amp;quot; said the witness. &amp;quot;No one was home.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, &amp;quot;In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's right,&amp;quot; replies the bloke, &amp;quot;And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the &amp;quot;uppity&amp;quot;. Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, &amp;quot;I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, &amp;quot;Did you get a different answer?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man replied, &amp;quot;Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do you get your dishwasher to work?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Slap her!"/>
  <joke text="A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The admiral shouted, &amp;quot;Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The chief turned to his barber and said, &amp;quot;Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why don't men believe in paternity tests?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because the sample is taken from their finger."/>
  <joke text="A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I went to get a haircut,&amp;quot; was the reply.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;But,&amp;quot; said the pastor, &amp;quot;why didn't you do that before the service?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Because,&amp;quot; the gentleman said, &amp;quot;I didn't need one then.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so ugly, even the tide won't come back in."/>
  <joke text="Why are married women heavier than single women?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge."/>
  <joke text="A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Do you serve lawyers here?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Sure.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;How often a week do you have sex with your wife?&amp;quot; asked the inquirer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Three times,&amp;quot; Jeff said without hesitation.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That is once more often than your neighbor,&amp;quot; the inquirer said, writing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That makes sense,&amp;quot; Jeff said, &amp;quot;after all, she's my wife.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: &amp;quot;Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: &amp;quot;Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Jim had had enough. He shouted: &amp;quot;Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. &amp;quot;I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Not me, Chief!&amp;quot; the Seaman replied. &amp;quot;Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Drag me, drop me - treat me like an object."/>
  <joke text="A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains &amp;quot;I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.&amp;quot; Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, &amp;quot;Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!&amp;quot; figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer asks the first question. &amp;quot;What's the distance from the earth to the moon?&amp;quot; The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: &amp;quot;What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?&amp;quot; The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the&lt;br&gt;Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, &amp;quot;Well, so what is the answer!?&amp;quot; Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep."/>
  <joke text="Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, &amp;quot;Where'd we get him?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His mother replied, &amp;quot;He came from heaven, Johnny.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Johnny says, &amp;quot;WOW! I can see why they threw him out!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said ... **Take one pill for a great night** The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night; so he downed the whole bottle.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying. &amp;quot;What's wrong?&amp;quot; they said.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Mom's dead, Sister's pregnant, My backside hurts, and Dad's in the basement yelling: Here Kitty Kitty ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost."/>
  <joke text="How does a woman know her man is cheating on her?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He starts bathing twice a week."/>
  <joke text="Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."/>
  <joke text="Rab addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Rab and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. &amp;quot;Good heavens&amp;quot; said Rab, &amp;quot;what shall I do?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Don't move him&amp;quot; said his playing partner, &amp;quot;if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a Lady in the church and lady in the bathtub?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!"/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers."/>
  <joke text="Press any key- no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"/>
  <joke text="After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, &amp;quot;Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes,&amp;quot; the golfer responded.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?&amp;quot; the cop asked.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, I did. How did you know?&amp;quot; the golfer asked.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; said the policeman very seriously, &amp;quot;Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, &amp;quot;I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why are women so bad at mathematics?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches."/>
  <joke text="One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Smiling the Lord proclaimed, &amp;quot;You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes&amp;quot;, laughed the devil, &amp;quot;but I have all the umpires!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."/>
  <joke text="A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. &amp;quot;Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The Red Sox.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why's that?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, that would make me a Yankees fan!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying."/>
  <joke text="One sperm says to the other: &amp;quot;How far is it to the ovaries?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other one replies: &amp;quot;Relax. We just passed the tonsils.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so ugly, she makes blind children cry."/>
  <joke text="Final philosophy exam:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Is this a question?&lt;br&gt;If this is an answer!"/>
  <joke text="A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,&amp;quot; explained the lady. &amp;quot;We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, &amp;quot;What did you learn today?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The kid replies, &amp;quot;Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, &amp;quot;I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, &amp;quot;I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... &amp;quot;What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?&amp;quot; asked the teacher.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Legs!&amp;quot; Larry immediately replied. &amp;quot;What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?&amp;quot; asked the teacher.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Pockets!&amp;quot; said Larry.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The teacher looked at the principal, who said, &amp;quot;Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because they don't have balls to scratch."/>
  <joke text="After hearing a pick-up line:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Woman: &amp;quot;I like your approach, now let's see your departure.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Pull the pin and throw it back."/>
  <joke text="Why is a man like a snowstorm?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay."/>
  <joke text="What not to say to the nice policeman:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I pay your salary!"/>
  <joke text="A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, &amp;quot;Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, &amp;quot;Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, &amp;quot;The morning Eve and I made love for the first time.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God said, &amp;quot;Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Adam replied, &amp;quot;She's down at the river, washing herself out.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Damn,&amp;quot; says God, &amp;quot;now all the fish will smell funny.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between your wife and your job?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After five years your job will still suck."/>
  <joke text="Why were men given larger brains than dogs?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.&lt;br&gt;2) So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block."/>
  <joke text="What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They've both swallowed a lot of semen."/>
  <joke text="What's the most effective birth control device for men.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Their manners."/>
  <joke text="Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins."/>
  <joke text="What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Sex."/>
  <joke text="How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When she starts her sentence with &amp;quot;A man once told me ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, she could sell shade."/>
  <joke text="What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Lazy."/>
  <joke text="What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A frostbite."/>
  <joke text="What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Miss her. Pity her."/>
  <joke text="The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. &amp;quot;Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, &amp;quot;First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?&amp;quot; Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, &amp;quot;Um ... No.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?&amp;quot; The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,&amp;quot; the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, &amp;quot;leaving her penniless with three children?!&amp;quot; The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, &amp;quot;I had no idea ...&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, &amp;quot;... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, Shit!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Hold my beer and watch this!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, &amp;quot;How much is Barbie?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; she says, &amp;quot;we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, hang on,&amp;quot; the guy asks, &amp;quot;why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="We try to keep him out of the kitchen.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Last time he cooked he burned the salad."/>
  <joke text="What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They are married."/>
  <joke text="A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He thought, &amp;quot;Life isn't so bad after all,&amp;quot; and got off the railing.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Thank you,&amp;quot; he said. &amp;quot;I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Dancing? I'm not dancing!&amp;quot; the armless man replied bitterly ... &amp;quot;My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is a man's idea of foreplay?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A half hour of begging."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, when she gets on the scale it says &amp;quot;To be continued.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it the same way they do everything else.&lt;br&gt;2) How many can you afford?"/>
  <joke text="How do you call a positively charged pussy cat?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A CATion."/>
  <joke text="How many men does it take to open a beer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. It should be opened by the time she brings it."/>
  <joke text="Why doesn't jesus play hockey?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Beacuse he's scared to get nailed to the boards."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds."/>
  <joke text="A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: &amp;quot;That's not it&amp;quot; and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: &amp;quot;That's it.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, &amp;quot;I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week&amp;quot;. The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A few minutes later, the frog says &amp;quot;OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week&amp;quot;. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A few minutes later, &amp;quot;Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!&amp;quot;. The programmer smiles and walks on.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Finally, the frog says, &amp;quot;What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm a programmer,&amp;quot; he replies. &amp;quot;I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) &amp;quot;The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2) None. Social workers never change anything.&lt;br&gt;3) None. They empower it to change itself!&lt;br&gt;4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.&lt;br&gt;5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.&lt;br&gt;6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.&lt;br&gt;7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement."/>
  <joke text="Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because it said 'concentrate'."/>
  <joke text="THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Jumping to conclusions.&lt;br&gt;2) Flying off the handle.&lt;br&gt;3) Carrying things too far.&lt;br&gt;4) Dodging responsibilities and&lt;br&gt;5) Pushing their luck."/>
  <joke text="The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. &amp;quot;Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Yo momma is so dumb she threw a stone at the ground and missed."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris was the first one to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life."/>
  <joke text="Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, &amp;quot;Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why did the dinosaur cross the road?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because chickens didn't exist yet."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.&lt;br&gt;2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train."/>
  <joke text="After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: &amp;quot;The Ten Commandments.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says &amp;quot;Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!&amp;quot;. Billy says, &amp;quot;Ok mommy.&amp;quot; and goes to sleep.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams &amp;quot;MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!&amp;quot;, the mom answered, &amp;quot;I know - April Fools!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="My husband said he wanted more space.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So I locked him outside."/>
  <joke text="Why don't men cook at home?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster."/>
  <joke text="How can you tell if your wife is dead?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The sex is the same but the dishes pile up."/>
  <joke text="One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, &amp;quot;There are no fish down there.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, &amp;quot;There's no fish down there.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, &amp;quot;There's no fish down there.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He looked up into the sky and asked, &amp;quot;God, is that you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, you idiot,&amp;quot; the voice said, &amp;quot;it's the rink manager.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness."/>
  <joke text="Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!"/>
  <joke text="If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Is he still wrong?"/>
  <joke text="Police Quote: &amp;quot;The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny replied: &amp;quot;They couldn't get a baby sitter.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do men exercise on the beach?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini."/>
  <joke text="Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, &amp;quot;I'm going to ask her out.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Garvey replied, &amp;quot;You can't do that, she's carrying my baby.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To which Rose added, &amp;quot;You wanna bet?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A successful woman is one who can find such a man."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes."/>
  <joke text="What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;An insurance company."/>
  <joke text="How many &amp;quot;pro-lifers&amp;quot; does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing."/>
  <joke text="Mother to daughter advice:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."/>
  <joke text="Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, &amp;quot;Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why do you want me to throw them at you?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Why's that?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He was too busy playing the hormonica."/>
  <joke text="10 HOME&lt;br&gt;20 SWEET&lt;br&gt;30 GOTO 10"/>
  <joke text="Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels."/>
  <joke text="The teacher asked Little Johnny: &amp;quot;How can you prove the earth is round?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Little Johnny replied: &amp;quot;I can't. Besides, I never said it was.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Susie: &amp;quot;I is ...&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Teacher: &amp;quot;No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Susie: &amp;quot;OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If a couple living together for two years in the state of Tennessee decide to relocate to the state of West Virginia, where they get married, have three children over a seven year period, and then decide to divorce, if after the man moves back to the state of Tennessee, can the couple thereafter still be referred to as brother and sister?"/>
  <joke text="What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Divorce him."/>
  <joke text="If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend."/>
  <joke text="Why do men like love at first sight?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It saves them a lot of time."/>
  <joke text="Whats the difference between a dead baby and apple pie?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it."/>
  <joke text="How many men does it take to make pop popcorn?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove."/>
  <joke text="A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Dating children."/>
  <joke text="Yo momma is so ugly when she went into a bank they turned off the security cameras."/>
  <joke text="What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A Mechanic."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The bucket."/>
  <joke text="How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;If it's the flu, you'll get better."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between government bonds and men?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Bonds mature."/>
  <joke text="How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself."/>
  <joke text="A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, &amp;quot;You need to stop masturbating.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The guy replies, &amp;quot;Why Doc? Am I going blind?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor says, &amp;quot;No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, &amp;quot;I spat in this beer, do not drink!&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, &amp;quot;So did I!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Castrated."/>
  <joke text="What did God say after she made Eve?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Practice makes perfect."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The East Germans survived the wall."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it."/>
  <joke text="PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day."/>
  <joke text="Why are men like popcorn?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They satisfy you, but only for a little while."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so poor, when I ring the doorbell she says &amp;quot;DING!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why don't men do laundry?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!"/>
  <joke text="One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."/>
  <joke text="What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They can both smell it but can't eat it."/>
  <joke text="My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current."/>
  <joke text="What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Big holes all over Australia!"/>
  <joke text="Why don't women blink during foreplay?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They don't have time."/>
  <joke text="You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Thank you."/>
  <joke text="Patient: &amp;quot;Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Doctor: &amp;quot;I've got some cream for that.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) MENstruation&lt;br&gt;2) MENopause&lt;br&gt;3) MENtal breakdown&lt;br&gt;4) GUYnecology&lt;br&gt;5) HIMmorrhoids&lt;br&gt;..."/>
  <joke text="Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because it was an early bird!"/>
  <joke text="Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'."/>
  <joke text="Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It takes too long to retrain them."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a blonde and your job?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Your job still sucks after 6 months."/>
  <joke text="Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because most men are stupid, but few are blind."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a blonde and a bitch?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, when she plays football she plays offense and defense."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down."/>
  <joke text="What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Their last big hit was The Wall."/>
  <joke text="Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Two 5 year old boys."/>
  <joke text="How is an apple like a lawyer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They both look good hanging from a tree."/>
  <joke text="After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: &amp;quot;Do I tell my partner?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks &amp;quot;What do you want for Christmas little girl?&amp;quot;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I want a Barbie and a GI Joe&amp;quot; says the little girl.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;But Barbie comes with Ken&amp;quot; Santa says,&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants."/>
  <joke text="Why do high school choruses travel so often?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Keeps assassins guessing."/>
  <joke text="What do men and sperm have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being."/>
  <joke text="Your mama is so fat, she has her own area code."/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie."/>
  <joke text="How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) None. Feminists can't change anything.&lt;br&gt;2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help."/>
  <joke text="What do blondes and turtles have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When they are on their backs they are screwed."/>
  <joke text="How does a man show that he is planning for the future?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He buys two cases of beer."/>
  <joke text="There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Only the first one can make you smile."/>
  <joke text="Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Snow White relents and says &amp;quot;When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.&amp;quot; Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;That's easy ... Seven-Up!"/>
  <joke text="A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, &amp;quot;Got any ID?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The driver says, &amp;quot;Bout what?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A gigolo only screws one person at a time."/>
  <joke text="If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: &amp;quot;That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: &amp;quot;The driver just insulted me!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man says: &amp;quot;You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items."/>
  <joke text="A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: &amp;quot;My, what a big vagina! ... My, what a big vagina!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: &amp;quot;Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm very sorry,&amp;quot; replied the doctor, &amp;quot;please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE Once once ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Princess Diana never became a queen of England."/>
  <joke text="What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A brick layer!"/>
  <joke text="What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Boy's underwear half off."/>
  <joke text="Man: &amp;quot;How do you like your eggs in the morning?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Woman: &amp;quot;Unfertilized.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I-75."/>
  <joke text="What did the circle say to the tangent line?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Stop touching me!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God, but God believes in Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="How do men sort their laundry?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Filthy&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;Filthy but Wearable&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="Why was the blondes' belly button sore?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because her boyfriend was blonde too."/>
  <joke text="What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They're both empty from the neck up."/>
  <joke text="To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed."/>
  <joke text="What is a man's idea of doing housework?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Lifting his leg so you can vacuum."/>
  <joke text="What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Another lawyer."/>
  <joke text="What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man."/>
  <joke text="Man: &amp;quot;I'd like to call you. What's your number?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Woman: &amp;quot;It's in the phone book.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Man: &amp;quot;But I don't know your name.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Woman: &amp;quot;That's in the phone book too.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, &amp;quot;Hurry over here. My house is on fire!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;OK,&amp;quot; replied the fireman, &amp;quot;how do we get there?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Police Quote: &amp;quot;In God we trust, all others are suspects.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How do women define a 50/50 relationship?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;We cook- They eat.&lt;br&gt;We clean. They dirt.&lt;br&gt;We iron. They wrinkle."/>
  <joke text="Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She got cold and turned off the fan."/>
  <joke text="Why do ducks have webbed feet?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To stamp out fires.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Why do elephants have flat feet?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To stamp out burning ducks."/>
  <joke text="A patient says: &amp;quot;Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter.' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life'.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man."/>
  <joke text="Why don't men eat between meals.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There *IS* no &amp;quot;between&amp;quot; meals."/>
  <joke text="A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man says, &amp;quot;Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The doctor says, &amp;quot;Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So men can remember them."/>
  <joke text="An Intel PC has four protections modes: Abort, Retry, Fail and Reboot."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris invented the spoon only to the fact that killing somebody with a knife is too easy."/>
  <joke text="How many men would it take to mop a floor?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;No one knows. They've never done it."/>
  <joke text="How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over every light bulb ever invented.&lt;br&gt;2) Microsoft doesn't change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new standard."/>
  <joke text="Linux - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up."/>
  <joke text="Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She died laughing before she could tell anybody."/>
  <joke text="What is the most common pregnancy craving?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;For men to be the ones who get pregnant."/>
  <joke text="Why is a man like the weather?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Nothing can be done to change either one of them."/>
  <joke text="Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to run away from Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="Why is urine yellow and sperm white?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So men can tell if they are coming or going."/>
  <joke text="There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: &amp;quot;I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out."/>
  <joke text="If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death."/>
  <joke text="What do you call an intelligent man in America?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A tourist."/>
  <joke text="A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Police are looking into it."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Casper can go through walls."/>
  <joke text="What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His wife is good at picking out clothes."/>
  <joke text="Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To stop the snoring before it starts."/>
  <joke text="An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the &amp;quot;no haggle&amp;quot; attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, &amp;quot;maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The vendor said, &amp;quot;By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, &amp;quot;those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about.&amp;quot; Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long aligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Just as the aligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One of the Marines then exclaimed, &amp;quot;Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between a man and childbirth?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby."/>
  <joke text="How many ayatollahs does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. There were no light bulbs in the 12th century."/>
  <joke text="How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Two. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.&lt;br&gt;2) None. There is no honour in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark."/>
  <joke text="How do you save a drowning lawyer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Take your foot off his head."/>
  <joke text="Why does Michael Jackson like baseball games?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because he gets to see some balls."/>
  <joke text="How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His lips are moving."/>
  <joke text="Why do so many women fake orgasm?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because so many men fake foreplay."/>
  <joke text="What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being."/>
  <joke text="Yo momma is so fat, she needs planning permission to sit down."/>
  <joke text="What's the Blonde's cheer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N. ... ah, oh well ... I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A general calls a colonel:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Do you have a couple of smart majors?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yes Sir, I do.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, &amp;quot;Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, &amp;quot;So, how's it going down there in hell?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Satan replies, &amp;quot;Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God replies, &amp;quot;What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Satan says, &amp;quot;No way.&amp;quot; I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;God says, &amp;quot;Send him back up here or I'll sue.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Satan laughs uproariously and answers, &amp;quot;Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;About three pounds, including the urn."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card."/>
  <joke text="God said let there be light and Chuck Norris said &amp;quot;Say Please&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="What is the thinnest book in the world?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What men know about women.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Men always miss them."/>
  <joke text="Microsoft is not the answer - Microsoft is the question. The answer is no!"/>
  <joke text="Why did God create man?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn."/>
  <joke text="When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome."/>
  <joke text="God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability."/>
  <joke text="A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. &amp;quot;Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. &amp;quot;Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. &amp;quot;Let me tell you a story,&amp;quot; replied the rabbi. &amp;quot;A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The man protested: &amp;quot;What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Pack his lunch and send him to work."/>
  <joke text="Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence."/>
  <joke text="What do men and beer have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They're both empty from the neck up."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and O. J. Simpson?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!"/>
  <joke text="Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Don't let your son go down on me.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Id like some raisin bread please&amp;quot;, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, &amp;quot;Is yours raisin too?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No,&amp;quot; croaks the old man &amp;quot;... But its startin to twitch.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They both live off dead Beatles."/>
  <joke text="What's brown and sits on a piano bench?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Beethoven's First Movement."/>
  <joke text="If Windows 95 is the answer, how stupid must have been the question?"/>
  <joke text="What did God say after creating Adam?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I can do better."/>
  <joke text="Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To get oxygen to his brain!"/>
  <joke text="How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not."/>
  <joke text="How long is the average woman in labor?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Whatever she says divided by two."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a man and a messy room?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You can straighten up a messy room."/>
  <joke text="The two most common things in universe are hydrogen and bureaucracy."/>
  <joke text="How are men like noodles?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough."/>
  <joke text="How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb."/>
  <joke text="How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!"/>
  <joke text="Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a parked car."/>
  <joke text="Why are men like laxatives?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They can irritate the shit out of you."/>
  <joke text="Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;To knock the penises off the smart ones."/>
  <joke text="What does Michael have in common with the NASA?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It's been 25 years since his first moon landing."/>
  <joke text="How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.&lt;br&gt;2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.&lt;br&gt;3) All of them."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A vampire only sucks blood at night."/>
  <joke text="What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Not enough sand."/>
  <joke text="What is the difference between baseball and law?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out."/>
  <joke text="Franklin D. Roosevelt once said &amp;quot;There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and Chuck Norris&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'."/>
  <joke text="What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;When the power goes off."/>
  <joke text="A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She says, confused, &amp;quot;Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He answers, &amp;quot;You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light ... not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows."/>
  <joke text="Why did the blonde cross the road?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?"/>
  <joke text="What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Marriage."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A microwave stops when you open the door."/>
  <joke text="In church, a pastor was leading the house in prayer. He said, &amp;quot;God, please protect your believers, and deliver us from sin.&amp;quot; Chuck Norris stood up and said, &amp;quot;What have you done for me lately?&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Only one, but it takes millions of years."/>
  <joke text="A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The wife said, &amp;quot;You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The husband said, &amp;quot;You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Wife replies, &amp;quot;No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Husband replies, &amp;quot;I can't believe that, show me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;HEBREWS&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox."/>
  <joke text="Why did the Princess cross the road?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt."/>
  <joke text="How does natural selection differ from sexual selection?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted."/>
  <joke text="Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a man and a parrot?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You can teach a parrot to talk nicely."/>
  <joke text="What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) No mind.&lt;br&gt;2) No business."/>
  <joke text="What happens when frogs park illegally?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They get toad."/>
  <joke text="How many Justices are there on the Florida Supreme Court?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;No one knows. They are not finished counting yet!"/>
  <joke text="What's cannibalism?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Germans eating pork."/>
  <joke text="Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Quick,&amp;quot; said the one ant to the other. &amp;quot;Get on the ball before he kills us.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;David - He rocked Goliath to sleep."/>
  <joke text="After the doctor delivered Chuck Norris he slapped Chuck Norris on the butt. While he realized that Chuck was already breathing he did it merely for posterity.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The Japanese are the only other group of people who have made a worse mistake!"/>
  <joke text="Why did Michael Jackson call &amp;quot;Boys to Men&amp;quot;?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He thought it was a delivery service."/>
  <joke text="Why don't men often show their true feelings?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because they don't have any."/>
  <joke text="Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills."/>
  <joke text="How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.&lt;br&gt;2) The light bulb cannot be changed — it has to be smashed."/>
  <joke text="How does a man take a bubble bath?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He eats beans for dinner."/>
  <joke text="What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They both came from France in a wooden box."/>
  <joke text="Man: &amp;quot;Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Woman: &amp;quot;You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs."/>
  <joke text="Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, &amp;quot;Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The other replies, &amp;quot;That was no piccolo, that was my fife.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Are you joking? They can't even change a dirty diaper!"/>
  <joke text="Yo momma is so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone wire."/>
  <joke text="The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg, it got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;There's white-out on the screen."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish."/>
  <joke text="How do you get a man to do sit-ups?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Put the remote control between his toes."/>
  <joke text="Why do blondes hate M&amp;Ms?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They're too hard to peel."/>
  <joke text="What do you do when your chair breaks?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Call a chairman."/>
  <joke text="How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. Amish don't believe in light bulbs. God will provide light unto the world."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris doesn't check his closet for the boogeyman.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="Why is a man different from a computer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You only have to tell the computer once."/>
  <joke text="How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Shoot one."/>
  <joke text="What's harder than a diamond? Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick."/>
  <joke text="Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because seven ate nine."/>
  <joke text="Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney."/>
  <joke text="How do you save a man from drowning?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Take your foot off his head."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet."/>
  <joke text="A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His little boy keeps asking him, &amp;quot;What's for dinner dad?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You'll see&amp;quot;, he replies.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Ok&amp;quot;, says her dad, &amp;quot;Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;His daughter screams ... &amp;quot;Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ...&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Most men have no trouble finding a bar."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a man and a cow?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!"/>
  <joke text="Why are husbands like lawn mowers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time."/>
  <joke text="How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. They use candles."/>
  <joke text="What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Branch Manager."/>
  <joke text="Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven ...&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative preparations done for the occasion.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Then D &amp; D went on together.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver instead."/>
  <joke text="What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Kermit's Finger."/>
  <joke text="How many bisexuals does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) However many turns you on ;)&lt;br&gt;2) That depends ... is it AC or DC?&lt;br&gt;3) Three or more ... it's more fun to fumble in the dark that way instead of being alone."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!"/>
  <joke text="What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;George Michael's latest release."/>
  <joke text="A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Relatives of yours?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Yep,&amp;quot; the wife replied, &amp;quot;in-laws.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Little Monster: I hate my teacher.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!"/>
  <joke text="How do you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A Buy-ologist."/>
  <joke text="What does world hunger and a mercedes have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Diana can't stop either."/>
  <joke text="&amp;quot;Cash, check or charge?&amp;quot; I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;So, do you always carry your TV remote?&amp;quot; I asked.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;No,&amp;quot; she replied, &amp;quot;but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris does not take showers, he just takes blood baths."/>
  <joke text="Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound."/>
  <joke text="What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Everyone is happy when the case is closed."/>
  <joke text="A young lawyer who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this,&amp;quot; he said to his father. &amp;quot;I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Settled it!&amp;quot; bellowed his father. &amp;quot;You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds."/>
  <joke text="Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb? Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it,&amp;quot; she said, furious. &amp;quot;You had better have an explanation.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Calm down, honey,&amp;quot; the man replied. &amp;quot;Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;What was that for?&amp;quot; he complained.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Your dog called last night.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The German. He was out practising marching."/>
  <joke text="How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Shine a flashlight in her ear."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Skid marks before the skunk."/>
  <joke text="What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)"/>
  <joke text="Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Diana:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) Roxette - &amp;quot;Crash! Boom! Bang!&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;2) Michael Jackson - &amp;quot;Blood on the dashboard!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found on the dashboard?"/>
  <joke text="A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The conductor. Business before pleasure."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline."/>
  <joke text="The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out &amp;quot;The President Sucks.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;The handwriting's the first lady's.&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris doesn't use condoms. He uses a live rattlesnake."/>
  <joke text="The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris."/>
  <joke text="Why are men like commercials?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;You can't believe a word they say."/>
  <joke text="Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I don't know, I've never seen either one."/>
  <joke text="What was the last thing Dodi said to Diana?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&amp;quot;You look smashing!&amp;quot;"/>
  <joke text="How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;One-two, one-two, one-two."/>
  <joke text="How is lightning like a violist's fingers?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Neither one strikes in the same place twice."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Vibrato."/>
  <joke text="Why is Diana like a mobile phone?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;They both die in tunnels!"/>
  <joke text="If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The coffin has the dead person on the inside."/>
  <joke text="What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.&lt;br&gt;Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.&lt;br&gt;Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.&lt;br&gt;Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.&lt;br&gt;And her husband is on the back of the milk carton."/>
  <joke text="Why is a viola solo like a bomb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it."/>
  <joke text="If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Who cares?"/>
  <joke text="How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The dog knows when to stop scratching."/>
  <joke text="What is the range of a Viola?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;As far as you can kick it."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a viola and an onion?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;No one cries when you cut up a viola."/>
  <joke text="How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Mark it &amp;quot;solo&amp;quot;."/>
  <joke text="What's the difference between a violin and a viola?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) The viola burns longer.&lt;br&gt;2) The viola holds more beer.&lt;br&gt;3) You can tune the violin."/>
  <joke text="Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;1) So they can park in &amp;quot;handicapped&amp;quot; parking places.&lt;br&gt;2) If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect."/>
  <joke text="How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;None. They're not small enough to fit."/>
  <joke text="What's the definition of a minor second?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Two violists playing in unison."/>
  <joke text="Why don't violists play hide and seek?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because no one will look for them."/>
  <joke text="How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The bow is moving."/>
  <joke text="Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it."/>
  <joke text="We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;It's usually still in the case."/>
  <joke text="While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, &amp;quot;It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;He addressed the man, &amp;quot;Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?&amp;quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, &amp;quot;It's Self raising, isn't it?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here."/>
  <joke text="How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Write a whole note with &amp;quot;solo&amp;quot; above it."/>
</jokes>