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Cars |
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
An airbag. | |
Blondes (45), Cars (8) |
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in
there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was
- a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and
continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a
pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having bald tires!
So, I called
him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the
second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started to write a third ticket!
This went on for
about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at
him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give
a damn. My car was parked around the corner ... | |
Insults (5), Police (20),
Tickets (1), Cars (8) |
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for
the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business
for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer
said the bank would need some security for such a loan.
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce
that was parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car
as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls
into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan
officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit
puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied:
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks
for fifteen bucks?" | |
Businessmen (4), Parking (2),
New York (1), Banks (2),
Cars (8) |
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to
the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars
this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too
late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools
away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad
language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have
a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this
month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!" | |
Salesmen (1), Blondes (45),
Ass (7), Cars (8),
Business (3) |
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In
response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had
developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no
reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2)
Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on
the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this,
restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a
manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could
use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then
you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make
a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as
fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and
alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would
force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag
system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10)
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the
radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers
to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now
a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time
GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd
press the "start" button to shut off the engine. | |
Bill Gates (3), Microsoft
(10), Windows (14),
General Motors (1), Cars (8) |
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a
software salesmen?
Only the used car salesemen knows
when he lying. | |
Software (5), Cars (8),
Salesman (3) |
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged
they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers
for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were
installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in
an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different,
where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my
beer and watch this!" | |
Alabama (2), Accidents (2),
Cars (8), Beer (11) |
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Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a parked car. | |
Yo Momma (5), Cars (8) |
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