 |
Children |
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his
mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his
mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself
saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next
day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom
lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So
Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and
started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a
bike! I need a bike!" | |
Children (26), Little Johnny
(16), Sex (42) |
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass
when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think
I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run
outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go
behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and
nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the
door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next
to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young
face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the
front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK." | |
Children (26), Little Johnny
(16), Church (10) |
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first
time in her life.
Not quite certain what was
happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell
Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed
Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's
eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not
a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls
off!" | |
Children (26), Susie (1),
Little Johnny (16) |
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales
begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he
answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'" | |
Children (26), Politics (5),
Fairy Tales (1) |
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the
birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little
Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused,
his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh
Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age
six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight.
And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really
have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!" | |
Children (26), Little Johnny
(16), Santa Claus (3),
Sex (42) |
Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I
didn't do my homework." | |
Little Johnny (16), Children
(26), Education (3) |
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it
cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still
paying for it." | |
Children (26), Marriage (21) |
|
Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have
affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened
rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music. | |
Computer (20), Children (26) |
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school,
but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well,
let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so
let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of
money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your
need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the
Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do
you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad.
I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by
his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper,
the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound
asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through
the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The
boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the
maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to
sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own
words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing
the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People
are being completely ignored and the Future is full of
Shit." | |
Politics (5), Shit (5),
Children (26) |
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so
it was a canary that I squeezed ..." | |
Lemons (1), Animals (25),
Children (26), Little Johnny
(16) |
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at
the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's
problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They
would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load,
or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes
they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5
cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.
One day
after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took
him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of
you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than
the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger,
or what?"
Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the
store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said,
"Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far
I have saved $20!" | |
Little Johnny (16), Intelligence
(15), Money (28),
Children (26) |
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The
little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy
replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then
he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask
him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to
the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the
perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend
and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a
penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a
penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the
perfect penis!" | |
Penis (18), Children (26) |
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in
white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and
today is the happiest day of her life."
Litte Susie
thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the
groom wearing black?" | |
Little Susie (3), Weddings
(2), Children (26) |
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the
fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held
up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know
what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the
firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied:
"That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!" | |
Little Johnny (16), Firefighters
(1), Cooking (5),
Children (26) |
Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a
sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" she asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep
crossing things out?" | |
Little Susie (3), Sermons
(3), God (23),
Children (26) |
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet
rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and
it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his
Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his
legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in
the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son,
that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the
rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's
great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came
home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad,
Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?"
said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early
today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on
her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm
coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George
holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" | |
Children (26), God (23),
Jesus (6), Cheating (8) |
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is
anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to
them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police,
and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are
they doing?"
"Lookin for me." | |
Children (26), Telephone (4),
Parents (1), Police (20),
Firemen (3) |
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the
apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving
further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had
written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples." | |
Children (26), Apples (3),
Cookies (1), God (23),
Nuns (2) |
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to
be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because
people are sleeping." | |
Little Johnny (16), Church
(10), Sleeping (4),
Children (26) |
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother
replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says,
"WOW! I can see why they threw him out!" | |
Little Johnny (16), Babies
(8), Heaven (4),
Children (26) |
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother
asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies,
"Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow." | |
School (4), Children (26) |
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of
35 think of?
Dating children. | |
Men (107), Sex (42),
Children (26), Women (52) |
A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping
mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa
asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie
only 'cums' with GI Joe!" | |
Santa Clause (1), Barbie (2),
Ken (2), Children (26) |
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he
comes only once a year, down the chimney. | |
Santa Claus (3), Children
(26), Chimney (1) |
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