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A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a
soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just
his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said
"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw
a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one
talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his
name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what
kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the
same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus". | |
Burglars (1), Parrots (4),
Dogs (15), Jesus (6),
Moses (1), Animals (25),
People (11) |
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When
he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset
by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he
was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just
lookin' around." | |
People (11), Dogs (15),
Animals (25) |
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned
the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His
Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about
you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great!
Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No"
says the psychic, "in a Biology class." | |
Frogs (4), Biology (3),
Animals (25), Education (3) |
A rabbit came to a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The
seller answered, "Noub!" The next day the rabbit came again
and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller retorted, "No!"
Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The
seller shouted, "NO! And if you come again and ask for
carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your
ears!!!"
Early the next morning rabbit came back and
asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "Noub!" The
rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?" | |
Rabbits (1), Carrots (2),
Animals (25) |
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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One
beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole
stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother
Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell
honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and
squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple
syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in
the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but
molasses ..." | |
Moles (1), Animals (25) |
So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence
between their fields.
The first cow said,"I tell you,
this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is
spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson
Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried,
it don't affect us ducks." | |
Cows (3), Mad Cow Disease
(2), Animals (25) |
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to
the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How
'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at
the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down
the hall." | |
Dogs (15), Bartender (1),
Bar (2), Animals (25),
People (11) |
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits
next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at
the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the
young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got
really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I tought
you might be my son." | |
Men (107), Navy (5),
Sex (42), Parrots (4),
Animals (25) |
An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote
part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback
came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes
the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo
from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he
let her off at the local service station, yelled one final
"Yahoo" and rode off.
"Hey, what did you do to get
him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his
saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the
attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..." | |
Horses (4), Penis (18),
Animals (25) |
At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving
a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is
commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator
came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed
there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in
the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show
their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up
and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the
eyes." | | Army
(7), Florida (4),
Commitment (1), Alligators
(4), Animals (25) |
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so
it was a canary that I squeezed ..." | |
Lemons (1), Animals (25),
Children (26), Little Johnny
(16) |
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." | |
Pilots (3), Landing (1),
Animals (25) |
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one
of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a
bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to
screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in
his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their
patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still
another voice in his head said, but then again ... they
probably weren't veterinarians ... | |
Veterinarians (1), Doctors
(16), Sex (42),
Animals (25) |
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and
says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does
the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says,
"well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The
man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one
costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other
parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating
system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks
about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000
dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can
it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I
have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him
boss!" | | Boss
(4), Parrots (4),
Computer (20), Unix (4),
Animals (25) |
How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Soak it in petrol
and set it on fire. | |
Animals (25), Cats (2),
Petrol (1) |
What did one lab rat say to the other?
I've got my
scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer,
he brings me a snack. | |
Rats (2), Scientists (1),
Food (5), Animals (25) |
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet
dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets
game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see
what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said,
"Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The
Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and
jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got
there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked
the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've
only had him for seven years." | |
New York Jets (1), Football
(4), Dogs (15),
Animals (25) |
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning
ducks. | |
Ducks (1), Elephants (2),
Feet (1), Fires (1),
Animals (25) |
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts. | |
Spiders (1), Snoring (1),
Animals (25) |
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As
they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." | |
Couples (5), Discussions (1),
Arguments (2), Relatives (1),
Animals (25) |
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