 |
Lawyers |
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they
will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In
their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three
reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more
attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers
don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as
they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try,
there are some things that even rats won't do. | |
Lawyers (47), Rats (2),
Science (3) |
|
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to
choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema? | |
Lawyers (47), Wives (31),
Cinemas (1), Death (12) |
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full
of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one
every hour unless their demands were met. | |
Lawyers (47), Terrorists (1) |
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by
the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking
sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up
to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I
have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to
spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked
the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
"Who
are you to question that woman's punishment?" | |
Lawyers (47), Hell (4) |
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The
old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their
money.
The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't
so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers
... we had $100 when we broke in!" | |
Robbers (2), Lawyers (47),
Money (28), People (11) |
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders,
back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do
you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm
just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy
in front of me, do you?" | |
Lawyers (47), Chiropractors
(1), People (11) |
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the
basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what
is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I
discovered that my client still has $500 left." | |
Lawyers (47), Money (28) |
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a
dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in
front of the skunk. | |
Lawyers (47), Skunks (2),
Roads (1) |
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2)
Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop
until it gets blood. | |
Blondes (45), Lawyers (47) |
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological
creatures. | |
Santa Claus (3), Lawyers
(47), Fairy (1),
Money (28) |
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and
people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. | |
Lawyers (47), Post (1),
Stamps (1), People (11) |
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the
relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer
says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and
want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the
sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your
health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's
best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with
the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -
you can go to the office and do some work. | |
Managers (9), Work (4),
Doctors (16), Lawyers (47),
Wives (31), Mistresses (1) |
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital
emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live
unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor
runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts
just became available, so you will get to choose which one
you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social
worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little
about them before you make your decision?"
The man
says, "I already know enough. We all know that social
workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never
used his. So I'll take the attorney's!" | |
Social Workers (5), Lawyers
(47), Doctors (16) |
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers
burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the
tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers,
up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets,
watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on,
one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's
hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers,
"What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the
$100 I owe you." | |
Lawyers (47), Robbers (2),
Banks (2) |
A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the
lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.
The
man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers
could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you
charge?"
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge
$500 to answer three questions."
"Don't you think
that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"
"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third
question?" | |
Lawyers (47), Money (28),
Questions (7) |
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting
that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and
was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad
news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad
news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a
half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George
was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the
terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of
you and your secretary." | |
Lawyers (47), Wives (31),
Secretaries (1), News (3) |
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the
physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal
sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The
Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she
did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The
woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant
from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where
do you think lawyers come from?" | |
Lawyers (47), Anal Sex (1),
Doctors (16), Pregnancy (7) |
Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else
to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams,
do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied,
"Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And
he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy,
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt!" | |
Lawyers (47), Judges (3),
Trials (1) |
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried
with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his
lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by
each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die
so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral,
each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a
limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and
confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I
needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the
doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we
needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the
hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast.
"I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known
that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a
check for the full $30,000." | |
Money (28), Priests (3),
Doctors (16), Lawyers (47) |
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial
that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he
was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard,
the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the
face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over
the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly
declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard." | |
Prosecutors (1), Lawyers
(47), Judges (3),
Juries (1) |
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist,
and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left,
what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice. | |
Lawyers (47), Murderers (1),
Rapists (1), Shooting (4) |
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch
when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He
announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I
forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried
about?" asked the other. "We're both here." | |
Lawyers (47), Money (28),
Trust (1) |
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You
claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after
breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as
to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45
minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer
continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs.
Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on
December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one
was home." | |
Lawyers (47), Objections (1),
Questions (7) |
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked
the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my
alligator." | |
Alligators (4), Lawyers (47),
Florida (4), Food (5) |
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a
long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just
wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The
lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a
blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end
to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and
hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a
puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his
modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he
wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely
takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a
word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5, and goes back to sleep. | |
Lawyers (47), Blondes (45),
Money (28), Questions (7),
Answers (3) |
The local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to
persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of
a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a
moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical
bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep
began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic
accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated
United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea ..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once
again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why
should I give any to you?!?" | |
Lawyers (47), Money (28) |
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it
the same way they do everything else.
2) How many can you
afford? | |
Lawyers (47), Light Bulbs
(31) |
How is an apple like a lawyer?
They both look good
hanging from a tree. | |
Lawyers (47), Apples (3),
Trees (3) |
After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer
announced a fee of $100.
The client gave the lawyer a
$100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer saw that
the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's
$100 bills had stuck together.
Looking at the $100
overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind:
"Do I tell my partner?" | |
Lawyers (47), Money (28),
Ethics (1), Questions (7) |
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time. | |
Lawyers (47), Gigolos (1),
Differences (15) |
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from
hell?
Another lawyer. | |
Lawyers (47), Demons (1),
Hell (4) |
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light
bulb?
1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one
thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over
every light bulb ever invented.
2) Microsoft doesn't
change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new
standard. | |
Microsoft (10), Light Bulbs
(31), Lawyers (47),
Microsoft (10) |
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off
his head. | |
Lawyers (47) |
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are
moving. | |
Lawyers (47), Lying (3),
Lips (3) |
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both
have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human
being. | |
Lawyers (47), Sperm (6),
Humans (1) |
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You
are in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to
the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer
gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and
starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan
replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there;
send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like
having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just
where are you going to get a lawyer?" | |
Lawyers (47), Engineers (1),
St. Peter (2), God (23),
Satan (2) |
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three
pounds, including the urn. | |
Lawyers (47), Weight (1),
Urns (1) |
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing.
Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his
lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do
not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him
of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of
the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear
on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown
that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her
best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most
sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you
are going to get screwed." | |
IRS (1), Lawyers (47),
Rabbis (1) |
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand. | |
Lawyers (47), Sand (1) |
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when
he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold
the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a
shoebox. | |
Lawyers (47), Enemas (1),
Coffins (4) |
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a
fish. | |
Lawyers (47), Catfish (1),
Differences (15) |
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! | |
Lawyers (47), Trampolines
(1), Differences (15) |
A young lawyer who had taken over his father's practice
rushed home totally elated.
"Dad, listen, you aren't
going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally
settled that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!"
bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living
off of that money for over five years now!" | |
Idiots (5), Lawyers (47),
Money (28) |
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the
ocean?
A good start! (Unless you are an
environmentalist; then you would consider this
indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.) | |
Lawyers (47), Ocean (1),
Differences (15) |
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