 |
Microsoft |
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define
"great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world
will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl
in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft,
writing error messages. | |
Microsoft (10), Writing (1) |
|
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can
hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it
forward it will install Windows. | |
Microsoft (10), Windows (14),
Satan (2) |
|
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is
probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. | |
Microsoft (10) |
|
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with
a couple of really important executives on board into
Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40
feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a
landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his
passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small
opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy
working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks
and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The
solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.".
The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and
executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway
five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough
and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the
pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I
asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer
he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless;
therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office
and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course
of 87 degrees." | |
Microsoft (10), Pilots (3),
Seattle (1) |
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The
marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and
construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support
is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price. | |
Heaven (4), Hell (4),
Intel (2), Microsoft (10) |
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In
response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had
developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no
reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2)
Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on
the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this,
restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a
manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could
use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then
you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make
a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as
fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and
alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would
force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag
system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10)
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the
radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers
to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now
a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time
GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd
press the "start" button to shut off the engine. | |
Bill Gates (3), Microsoft
(10), Windows (14),
General Motors (1), Cars (8) |
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating
software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it
out the window too! | |
Windows (14), Microsoft (10),
Computer (20) |
What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?
One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on
prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs,
the other is a Steven Spielberg movie. | |
Microsoft (10), Jurassic Park
(1), Dinosaurs (2),
Steven Spielberg (1) |
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light
bulb?
1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one
thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over
every light bulb ever invented.
2) Microsoft doesn't
change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new
standard. | |
Microsoft (10), Light Bulbs
(31), Lawyers (47),
Microsoft (10) |
|
