A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she
playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline
forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of
light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly,
she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they
both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers
and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the
floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his
legs fall off! | |
Women (52), Breasts (4),
Penis (18) |
An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote
part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback
came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes
the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo
from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he
let her off at the local service station, yelled one final
"Yahoo" and rode off.
"Hey, what did you do to get
him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his
saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the
attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..." | |
Horses (4), Penis (18),
Animals (25) |
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some
condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"
The man
replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.
The lady
is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and
measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three
holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady
sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her
legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they
return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium,
or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the
condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!" | |
Condoms (5), Fences (1),
Penis (18) |
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The
little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy
replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then
he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask
him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to
the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the
perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend
and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a
penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a
penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the
perfect penis!" | |
Penis (18), Children (26) |
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly
had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a
couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the
last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30
erections left in your penis."
The man walks home
(deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the
front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his
problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh
no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a
list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the
way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it." | |
Dicks (2), Penis (18),
Erections (1), Lists (1),
Couples (5) |
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word
"penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit
embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out
and went on with the class.
But the next day when she
came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time
written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and
went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger
letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face
she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well,
this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis
getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the
classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it,
the bigger it gets!" | |
Penis (18), Teachers (13),
Pupils (2) |
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has
not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were
only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and
urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says
she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and
after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a
weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their
first night there she undresses, as he does. There she
stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in
his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black
panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body
is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following
night the same scenario. She standing there with the black
panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has
an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him
and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies,
"I want to offer my condolences." | |
Condoms (5), Condolence (1),
Penis (18), Widows (2) |
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his
penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are
too darned sharp." | |
Little Johnny (16), Penis
(18), Braces (1),
Sex (42) |
One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom,
Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on
the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do
that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well,"
replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in
slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."
After
hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out
this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night,
Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly
after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice
anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife.
"You fuck like a black man!" | |
Penis (18), Sex (42),
Blacks (1) |
|
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so
much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him,
"Wow, that's a big one!" | |
Fishing (6), Husbands (20),
Penis (18) |
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep
telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger)
is 9 inches. | |
Women (52), Men (107),
Penis (18), Mathematics (7) |
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know
when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long
it'll stay. | |
Men (107), Snow Storm (1),
Penis (18), Orgasm (3),
Sex (42) |
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated. | |
Men (107), Brain (2),
Penis (18) |
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest
when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and
Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs
to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The
Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath
too.
Snow White relents and says "When I get into the
water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow
White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water,
at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps
into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear
the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing
NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a
TV ad, what product is being advertised?
That's easy
... Seven-Up! | |
Snow White (1), Dwarfs (1),
Bathing (4), 7-Up (2),
Penis (18) |
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis
called?
The man. | |
Men (107), Penis (18) |
Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?
To get oxygen to his brain! | |
Men (107), Holes (5),
Penis (18), Brain (2) |
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones. | |
Men (107), Penis (18),
Doctors (16), Babies (8) |
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He
addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite
flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm
gently and whispered, "It's Self raising, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right
here. | |
Flowers (1), Penis (18),
Marriage (21) |
|
